Monday 27th May 2019 - 20:09:46 

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An Irishman at the Pearly Gates

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan... you're a member of the Irish Republican Army".

"Yeh, that'd be me", replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London"!

"Yeah".

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland".

"Yeh, that's all me work", comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here"!

"Let me in, Hell"! says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out"!


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Sir, Bring Me Cakes and Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

``Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.


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A Princess is Walking Along...



...when she looks down and sees an ugly frog. She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog".

The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me".

The princess says, "Jesus...I've seen frogs with spells, but none of them were as ugly as you".

The frog says, "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell".

She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince"?

The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job".


Nicked from: http://bangkok.craigslist.org/forums/?forumID=1257



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The Post Turtle

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While dressing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle".

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked, "What's a 'Post Turtle'"?

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle".

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere and you just wonder what kind of simple minded idiot put him up there in the first place".



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New Business is Booming





A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

Apparently Prophets are going through the roof.


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An Excited Little Johnny Returns from the Ball Game


Coming home from his Little League game, Little Johnny swung open the front door very excited.

Because his father was unable to attend the game, he immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son" he asked?

"You'll never believe it" Little Johnny said! "I was responsible for the winning run"!!

"Really? How'd you do that"?

"I dropped the ball".


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An Elderly Spinster a Dog in Heat and the Vet

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work"?

"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED FOR ME".


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When is It Time to Give Up Golf?

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it', he tells his wife, 'I'm giving up golf. My eyesight is so bad ... Once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went'.

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, 'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try'.

'That's no good', sighs Arthur.. 'Your brother is ninety five. He can't help'.

'He may be ninety five', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect'.

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball'?

'Of course I did'! says the brother-in- law. 'I have perfect eyesight'.

'Where did it go' asks Arthur?

'I can't remember'.








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Maori (new Zealand) Legends


Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you were born in December,


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The Incorrect Email Address.


A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 16th, 2010

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!


Contributor: Sunny






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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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