Friday 13th December 2019 - 09:50:29 

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Do You Know the Blink Method of Pricing?


A jewish boy begged his Papa to let him start working in his father's Optical shop to learn the business of making and selling eyeglasses.

As Papa finished showing the boy all the styles in inventory, the boy asked, "Papa, when a customer asks me how much for the glasses, what do I tell them"?

His Papa explained, "Son, you simply use the BLINK method for determining price".

The boy asked, "What is the BLINK method Papa"?

His father answered, "Well, son, when the customer asks you how much for the glasses, you say $60". If he doesn't blink, say 'That's for the frames... the lenses will be another $60'. And if he still doesn't blink, say 'EACH'".


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Formality to ask for Daughter’s Hand

A father was entertaining a boy his daughter had brought home from college.

"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, "but I want to ask for your daughter's hand." "

"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" the father asked.

The boyfriend replied, "From our Lamaze instructor."


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Would You Pass this West Texas Sherriff Test?


A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy says, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good.

But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son".

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six ACLU lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit".

"Why the rabbit"?

"Great attitude", says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start"?


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Why We Love the Brits

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)



2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)



3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)



4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)



5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)



6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)




A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."



2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."



3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."



4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."


5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".



6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."



7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."



8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."



9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."



10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."



11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."



12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"



13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"



14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."


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Making Love by the French, Irish and the Scots

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.


"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me".


"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times", the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man".


When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once", he replied. "Only once" the Italian arrogantly snorted? "And what did she say to you this morning"?


"Don't stop".




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Movie Test to Guess your Favourite Movie


Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Star Wars" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story


It is really amazing, isn't it?


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100 Kisses

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India...

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has Affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,

JITA SINGH




His wife replied...

TINKU KE PAPPA,

Thanks for the 100 kisses, Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord Balkar Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand...

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance...

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart,


Kichi




Never Mess With Women !!!



.




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Orgasm Types

There are several types of orgasm.

Positive : Oooooooo Yes

Negative : Oooooooo No

Childish: Oooooooo Baby

Religious: Ooooooo God.





Ponderism:

Is it true that women only have orgasms so they can moan even when they're happy?


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Refund from Taco Bell


That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!


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An Irishman at the Pearly Gates

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he gives the Irishman his attention.
"And you are...?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused, poring over his compendious list of people and events. "Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan... you're a member of the Irish Republican Army".

"Yeh, that'd be me", replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London"!

"Yeah".

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions transport in Northumberland".

"Yeh, that's all me work", comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words, he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in here"!

"Let me in, Hell"! says Kevin. "I come to tell you you've got ten minutes to get out"!


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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