Thursday 24th September 2020 - 23:15:02 

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Guaranteed for a Lifetime


The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime", he yelled!!!


"Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it".


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Doesn't He Look Happy

At Finnegan's wake, Katy Ryan remarked about the corpse:

'Doesn't he look happy?'

'Yes,' said the widow Finnegan. 'He died in his sleep and he doesn't know he's dead yet! In fact,' she went on, 'if he wakes up in the morning the shock will kill him!'





Taking the pills?

'Are the tablets doing you any good?' asked the doctor.

'Well, to be honest,' said Murphy, 'I haven't started taking them yet.'

'Why ever not?' asked the doctor.

'Well,' said Murphy, 'you told me to swallow them after a hot bath and I haven't finished swallowing the hot bath yet!


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Uk Media Release from the Bbc

The British Broadcasting Corporation

In response to complaints that there are not enough African, West Indian, Asian and Eastern Europeans appearing on TV, it has been decided that in future BBC Television will broadcast Crimewatch TWICE weekly.


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Leroy and Tyrone Discussing Marital Problems

Leroy was being visited by Tyrone and they were discussing Leroy’s marital problems.

When Leroy’s doorbell rang he answered the door and was handed a paper. The delivery boy said it was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was.

Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, “This here is a sub-peena”.

“I know that.... but what’s a sub-peena for” Leroy asked?

“Well….” said Tyrone, turning it over in hs hands and studying it. “That’s law talk. Your wife is suing you for a deevorce. We know that ‘sub’ means ‘under’ and ‘peena’ is Latin for ‘penis’, so – ‘sub-peena’ means under the penis”.

“And what’s that mean”?

“Man, it means she’s really got you by the short and curlies”.


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The Clothing Salesman Finally Sold...

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long"!

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing" the manager asked?

"That's the one"!

"That's great"! the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged"?

"Oh", the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me".


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A Fairy Was asked to Grant a Wish But...


I met a fairy today that would grant me but one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said,

"I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You're a crafty bastard," said the fairy.


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An Irishman and his Leprechaun



An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers.

He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, "Hey Paddy!, what's that little green thing you've got down there?"

The little green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and then runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey Paddy!, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"A leprechaun!" says the Englishman laughing, "Boy, I never knew leprechauns were so ugly!"

The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad!

"Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT!"




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What The....


This country boy is passing by his neighbour's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees his pal doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.


Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right Wellington boot, followed by the left.


He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.


Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.


"What the heck are you doing" asks the country boy?


"Geez, you gave me a fright there ", says his obviously embarrassed pal, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".



Boom! Boom!



Contribution from: Terry at HAH


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The Essex Girl and her Newborn Baby

The Essex girl went to the clinic with her newborn for the first time. A rather posh looking lady sat by her side. After a while the lady introduced herself, telling the girl that this was her third child and she was to be called Samantha, Amanda, Fawcett.

The girl smiled politely and said, "That's nice innit".

The woman carried on, "For my first child my husband gave me a diamond necklace as a gift for being so clever".

To which the girl replied, "That's nice innit".

"And for my second child, he gave me a fur coat".

The girl nodded politely, "That's very nice, innit".

The posh lady was well into her stride now. "For this child he's taking me on a cruise".

The Essex girl smiled again, "That's nice innit".

The posh lady said, "And has your husband given YOU something for the birth"?

"Oh yes", the girl said, "He bought me some elocution lessons".

"Oh, and have you learned anything from them"?

"Certainly", the Essex girl said. "I've learned to say 'That's nce innit', instead of f**k off".



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Old Spot Just Died

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but, mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband,'No mushrooms. They are too high'.

He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed'.

She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison'.

He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK'.

So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Old Spot(the yard dog) a double hand full.

Old Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Old Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed and socialized.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, 'Mrs. Williams, Old Spot just died'.

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm'.

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now'.

Then he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room,and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over Old Spot never even stopped'.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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