Sunday 28th June 2020 - 19:54:53 

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See-through Negligee Fail

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the negligee home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modeling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'F*** me, it wasn't that creased in the shop. What's happened to it?'

The funeral is next Friday

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Uk Council Tax Now with Discounts

The new proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values based on living in a nice and desirable areas.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.

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What Women Can Get Away With: Part I

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

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Surgery for the Height Challenged Man

There was a height challenged man down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors!

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc" he asked?

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots".

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Guaranteed for a Lifetime

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. "You said this watch would last me a lifetime", he yelled!!!

"Yeah," admitted the owner. "But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it".

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Doesn't He Look Happy

At Finnegan's wake, Katy Ryan remarked about the corpse:

'Doesn't he look happy?'

'Yes,' said the widow Finnegan. 'He died in his sleep and he doesn't know he's dead yet! In fact,' she went on, 'if he wakes up in the morning the shock will kill him!'

Taking the pills?

'Are the tablets doing you any good?' asked the doctor.

'Well, to be honest,' said Murphy, 'I haven't started taking them yet.'

'Why ever not?' asked the doctor.

'Well,' said Murphy, 'you told me to swallow them after a hot bath and I haven't finished swallowing the hot bath yet!

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Uk Media Release from the Bbc

The British Broadcasting Corporation

In response to complaints that there are not enough African, West Indian, Asian and Eastern Europeans appearing on TV, it has been decided that in future BBC Television will broadcast Crimewatch TWICE weekly.

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Leroy and Tyrone Discussing Marital Problems

Leroy was being visited by Tyrone and they were discussing Leroy’s marital problems.

When Leroy’s doorbell rang he answered the door and was handed a paper. The delivery boy said it was a subpoena. Leroy showed it to Tyrone and asked him if he knew what it was.

Tyrone in his pompous lack of knowledge said, “This here is a sub-peena”.

“I know that.... but what’s a sub-peena for” Leroy asked?

“Well….” said Tyrone, turning it over in hs hands and studying it. “That’s law talk. Your wife is suing you for a deevorce. We know that ‘sub’ means ‘under’ and ‘peena’ is Latin for ‘penis’, so – ‘sub-peena’ means under the penis”.

“And what’s that mean”?

“Man, it means she’s really got you by the short and curlies”.

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The Clothing Salesman Finally Sold...

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long"!

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing" the manager asked?

"That's the one"!

"That's great"! the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged"?

"Oh", the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me".

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A Fairy Was asked to Grant a Wish But...

I met a fairy today that would grant me but one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said,

"I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You're a crafty bastard," said the fairy.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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