Wednesday 20th November 2019 - 21:01:35 

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You Can’t Win with Women.



I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.

I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.

I spent $2000 on liposuction for her
and she was over the moon.

I spent $50 on a blow job for myself
and she goes f#$%ing ballistic.


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Pregnant Woman - Will It Hurt Much Doctor?

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"


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Passengers on a Lufthansa Flight


Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean."

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You For Flying Lufthansa."


source: CraigsList.org: pistonsky


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Would You Be Like this Responsible Citizen?


This morning I saw an Extreme Radical fall into the icy American River this morning about 8:20.

As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.




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Did this Gorgeous Girl Knock on your Door?

Twick or Tweat

Last Halloween a woman opens her door to find a darlinng little girl with golden blonde curly hair and enormous blue eyes.

The little girl was dressed as an Angel and was just gorgeous. The woman said, “what are you supposed to say sweetheart”?

The little girl looked up at the woman and said “Twick or Tweat”!

The woman thought that is was just adorable and she called her husband to come to the door. The woman said to the child, “Go ahead honey say it just one more time”.

Once again the darling little Angel looked up and said, “Twick or Tweat”!

The husband agreed with his wife that the darling little Angel was very cute and a sweet little thing.

The woman picked an apple from the Treat Bowl, polished it with her apron and dropped it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.

The darling little Angel looked in her bag then looked up at the woman and said, “Aww shit lady, you just broke all my cookies”!


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Ingenious Solid Gold Investment Plan


Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her.

"I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they went to her place.
The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa.

She stopped him and said "Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something"

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife. Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.

With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box.

She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold Boy Scout knives? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you already have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives?"


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Big Concern


Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

"Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you"?

"Certainly", answered the minister, "why shouldn't I"?

"Well you see, it's like this," replied Tony. "When I told you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his birth certificate 'Thomas'.

This boy I want to name Jack".


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Did You Miss Happy Porn Day?


Today is October 10th, 2010


commonly written down as


10/10/10


in Roman Numerals this is

XXX

In other words




XXX


Happy Porn Day



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Three Tomatoes Were out for a Walk

It was a fine and brisk autumn day when a family of tomatoes decided to take a walk: father, mother and their adorable only son.

The son, through no fault of his own, was naturally smaller than his parents, and so continually fell behind.

The father's sun-ripened mind saw it as a character flaw, if not a studied insult--deliberate lollygagging and he would take no such insolence from the fruit of his loins. In a towering, thundering rage, he stormed back to the boy and with a roar of "You are no son of mine"! and a mighty stomp, crushed the little lad into the pavement. Red tomatoe juice squirting everywhere, splashing on the father's face, boots, sidewalk and even the wooden fence along the street.

Shrieking in agony, the child tried desperately to free himself, too addled by the pain to try reasoning with his parent.

His father was inflamed even more so he ground his foot onto the cement, as though doing something of no more import than crushing out a used cigarette. He continued grinding until the child was well and truly smashed flat with the remains strewn across the pavement.

Little baby tomatoe with agonising expressions and shrieks, shattered the peaceful illusion and finally, mercifully, the screams died out

The mother, too shocked by the horror to have spoken up before now, she dropped to her knees, weeping and sobbed, "What have you done?! Why?! How could you do such a horrible thing to anyone, let alone your son?! Your only son..."

Father tomatoe turned around, his face now placid and as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world, said, "He was falling behind. He needed to ketchup".


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Pain Remedy for the Little Sister



A little girl was bawling her eyes out when she came running in to the house with one hand out stretched: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom.

"I pricked my hand on the rose bushes and I want the pain to go away!"

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?"

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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