Thursday 12th December 2019 - 00:06:31 

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The Morning After a Night on the Beer


Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot break-fast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"



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The Interview for a Salesman with an Uncontrollable Wink


The owner of a well-established firm of wholesalers was inter-viewing people for a position in sales. One candidate offered excellent references and experience and was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.

So the sales manager decided to be frank, "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put customers off".

"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the sales candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirin. See for yourself, I've got some on me". And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.

The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up: ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.

"Aha", cried the young man happily, "here they are". He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them , and sure enough, the tic went away in less than a minute.

"So much for the wink," said the sales manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want my company to be represented by some wild womanizer, after all".

"No fear. I'm a happily married man".

"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets"?

"It's simple, sir. Did you ever go into a drug store, winking like crazy, and ask for a packet of aspirins"?


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Ponderables

Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody,
nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says 'It's only a game', when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint.
On his room door I put a sign "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18".

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.


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First Night and Still a Virgin After Being Married Before

A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a virgin."

The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."

The bride responds...

"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."

"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."

"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him!"


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A Woman Meets a Handsomely Gorgeous Man in a Bar.

A woman meets a handsomely gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially the very expensive ones on the top shelf, but she decides not to mention this to him and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him ..... they kiss . and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over and asks, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf"



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The Hand Warmer

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?



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First Timer

The young, virgin boy from Alabama drives to the big city in search of a prostitute. He finds one and explains he has never had sex before.

The hooker says, "No problem, honey," and undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down on the bed. He crawls on top of her.

"Okay, stick it in, honey...all the way in...now pull it out...now put it back in...now pull it out..."

"Tarnation, woman!" says the boy. "Will you make up your fucking mind?"



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The Headache

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a perfect cure for a headache," said his buddy Trevor. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trevor.

"Yeah," said Phil, "Worked great! I had no idea how nice your house was, too!"


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Research Results

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000 they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Aussies study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.




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The Pope Arrives at Jfk

The Pope arrives at JFK where he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting the Pope's entire luggage loaded in the limo -- and His Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren. "Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason." "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger." "Governor."

"Bigger." "Well," said the chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

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Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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