Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:47:06 

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Drinking and Driving can Be Extremely Dangerous!!!

On Saturday morning while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate I'm turning and someone stole my beer !!

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Are You a Party Animal?

There's these animals in a restaurant that partied late into the nite.

The waiter comes over at the end of the night ...

The skunk says
'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'

The duck says
'Just put it on my bill'

The cow says
'You'll have to ask one of the udders'

The deer says
'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'

The giraffe says
'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'

The frog says,
"I've got one greenback"

The vampire bat is thinking,
"Which one can I stick for the drink today?"

The snake says,
I guess I can't hold my liquor.

Another snake says:
" If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my Asp."

No, the snake said,
"It's hiss turn to pay."

The Rhinocerous says:
"Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just charge it."

The amoeba said,
"I've got to split now."

The paramecium said,
"I'll split it with him."

The groundhog said,
"If you let me go I shadow you a favor."

The turtle said,
"I shell pay next time."

The chicken said,
"I hope it's cheep."

The elephant said,
"But I've hardly trunk a drop."

The dachshund said,
"I've got be to getting a long now."

The manx cat said,
"I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short."

The chicken said,
"If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in hell."

And the snail said,
"No, you shell out the same as me"!

And the trotters said
"take 50 cents from two quarterhorses".

The beaver said,
"Dam if I'll pay".

Ken said
"See Barbie 'bout a doll, her".

The cows said
"We got plenty o' mooolah".

The bumblebee said
"Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz
zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off"

The zebra said,
"It's black and white--I haven't the money."

They each said,
"Ask some otter animal."

But the lion said,
"I'll pay--I've still got my pride."

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A Lion Was Getting Married...

At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion "All the best, my brother. Good luck".

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hel_l do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse".

The Mouse replies: "I, too, was a Lion before I got married".

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Would You Do the Same As Pekka After the Finish War?

When the Finnish war was ended, a young British female newspaper reporter was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming.

She had already interviewed half a dozen soldiers and then she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me", she said "but were you in the war"?

"Yah, I was in the infantry".

"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article"?

No, I wouldn't mind at all".

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did"?

"I screwed my wife." Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that. I mean, what did you do after that"?

"I screwed her again." he answered.

If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.

"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was finished with all that"?!

"Then I un-strapped my skis, boots and my heavy backpack".

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You Can’t Win with Women.

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.

I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.

I spent $2000 on liposuction for her
and she was over the moon.

I spent $50 on a blow job for myself
and she goes f#$%ing ballistic.

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Pregnant Woman - Will It Hurt Much Doctor?

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

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Passengers on a Lufthansa Flight

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean."

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You For Flying Lufthansa."

source: pistonsky

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Would You Be Like this Responsible Citizen?

This morning I saw an Extreme Radical fall into the icy American River this morning about 8:20.

As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

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Did this Gorgeous Girl Knock on your Door?

Twick or Tweat

Last Halloween a woman opens her door to find a darlinng little girl with golden blonde curly hair and enormous blue eyes.

The little girl was dressed as an Angel and was just gorgeous. The woman said, “what are you supposed to say sweetheart”?

The little girl looked up at the woman and said “Twick or Tweat”!

The woman thought that is was just adorable and she called her husband to come to the door. The woman said to the child, “Go ahead honey say it just one more time”.

Once again the darling little Angel looked up and said, “Twick or Tweat”!

The husband agreed with his wife that the darling little Angel was very cute and a sweet little thing.

The woman picked an apple from the Treat Bowl, polished it with her apron and dropped it into the little girl’s Treat Bag.

The darling little Angel looked in her bag then looked up at the woman and said, “Aww shit lady, you just broke all my cookies”!

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Ingenious Solid Gold Investment Plan

Lisa, a strikingly beautiful young Brunette, sat across the table from William, in a fancy restaurant. She smiled as William finished proposing to her.

"I'm not sure, let me think about it." she answered.

William was crushed but kept his composure. After dinner they went to her place.
The mood was romantic and William was eager to make love to Lisa.

She stopped him and said "Before we get married or even make love, I want you to buy me something"

"Sure my love, you name it. A car, a pearl necklace, diamond earrings, you name it."

"I want a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

Stunned, William asked, "But why? I can buy you anything you want. Why must it be a solid gold Boy Scout knife?"

"I can't tell you, but I won't make love to you until I get one."

William searched high and low but couldn't find such a knife. Desperate, he had a jeweler make one for him.

The next time they met at her place for a romantic evening, he again suggested they make love. Again she said she couldn't without first receiving the solid gold Boy Scout knife.

With a smile he handed her a small gift wrapped box.

She carefully opened it and saw the knife. They went off to the bedroom where she opened a large hope chest at the foot of her bed. She placed the knife inside, but not before William saw the contents of the hope chest. It was filled with solid gold Boy Scout knifes.

"What's this? The whole thing is filled with gold Boy Scout knives? Why did you ask me for a gold knife when you already have so many of them?"

"I can't tell you" she replied.

After several minutes of badgering she finally relented and said

"Someday I will be older. My hair will turn gray, my face will start to get wrinkles and my beauty will fade. Who will want me then? But, do you know what a Boy Scout would do for one of these knives?"

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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