Monday 16th December 2019 - 12:02:44 

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Rules to Live by Version 002

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Jack Reacher handle this"?


My reality check bounced.


Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.


People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.


If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.


When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.


I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.


Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.


On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.


A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.


Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.


I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.


You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.


I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.


Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.


After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.


Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.


Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?


Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.




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Warning: The Stealth Virus


...is coming sooner or later




I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970 .



Symptoms:

1... Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!


2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !
That too!


3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..
Yep!


4. Causes you to send it back to the person who
Sent it to you. Aha!


5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well darn!


6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again!


7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.."
And I just hate that!


8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!


Virus name: THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Beware: No known cure!


Hmmm.....

...have I already sent this to you,

...or did you send it to me?







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Drinking and Driving can Be Extremely Dangerous!!!





On Saturday morning while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate I'm turning and someone stole my beer !!



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Are You a Party Animal?


There's these animals in a restaurant that partied late into the nite.


The waiter comes over at the end of the night ...



The skunk says
'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'



The duck says
'Just put it on my bill'




The cow says
'You'll have to ask one of the udders'




The deer says
'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'




The giraffe says
'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'



The frog says,
"I've got one greenback"




The vampire bat is thinking,
"Which one can I stick for the drink today?"



The snake says,
I guess I can't hold my liquor.




Another snake says:
" If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my Asp."



No, the snake said,
"It's hiss turn to pay."

The Rhinocerous says:
"Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just charge it."




The amoeba said,
"I've got to split now."




The paramecium said,
"I'll split it with him."




The groundhog said,
"If you let me go I shadow you a favor."




The turtle said,
"I shell pay next time."




The chicken said,
"I hope it's cheep."



The elephant said,
"But I've hardly trunk a drop."




The dachshund said,
"I've got be to getting a long now."




The manx cat said,
"I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short."




The chicken said,
"If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in hell."



And the snail said,
"No, you shell out the same as me"!



And the trotters said
"take 50 cents from two quarterhorses".




The beaver said,
"Dam if I'll pay".




Ken said
"See Barbie 'bout a doll, her".




The cows said
"We got plenty o' mooolah".



The bumblebee said
"Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz
zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off"



The zebra said,
"It's black and white--I haven't the money."




They each said,
"Ask some otter animal."




But the lion said,
"I'll pay--I've still got my pride."


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A Lion Was Getting Married...

At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion "All the best, my brother. Good luck".

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hel_l do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse".

The Mouse replies: "I, too, was a Lion before I got married".


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Would You Do the Same As Pekka After the Finish War?

When the Finnish war was ended, a young British female newspaper reporter was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers home-coming.

She had already interviewed half a dozen soldiers and then she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me", she said "but were you in the war"?

"Yah, I was in the infantry".

"Would you mind to answer a few questions for a newspaper article"?

No, I wouldn't mind at all".

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did"?

"I screwed my wife." Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.

"After that. I mean, what did you do after that"?

"I screwed her again." he answered.

If possible the journalist turned even more red, and got even more desperate to change the subject.

"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you was finished with all that"?!

"Then I un-strapped my skis, boots and my heavy backpack".


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You Can’t Win with Women.



I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.

I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.

I spent $2000 on liposuction for her
and she was over the moon.

I spent $50 on a blow job for myself
and she goes f#$%ing ballistic.


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Pregnant Woman - Will It Hurt Much Doctor?

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"


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Passengers on a Lufthansa Flight


Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean."

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side."

After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request.

Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.

The captain once again made an announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... "Thank You For Flying Lufthansa."


source: CraigsList.org: pistonsky


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Would You Be Like this Responsible Citizen?


This morning I saw an Extreme Radical fall into the icy American River this morning about 8:20.

As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.

It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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