Sunday 1st November 2020 - 19:59:55 

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Programming Is Like Sex

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)

Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.

It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.

Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.

You can do it for money or for fun.

If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.

It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.

There's not enough taught about it in public school.

It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.

Some people are just naturally good.

But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.

There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.

One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.

It's a great way to spend a lunch break.

Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.

Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.

Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.

You'll miss it if it's been a while.

There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.

It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.

Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.

Other people just get in the way.

If you try to get too fancy, you could cause big problems (unless you really know what you're doing).

You can do it alone, but it's even better in a group.

It's great to get paid, but you'd do it for free if you had to.

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Language Arts Class Student Gets the Right Answer

It was the early 1970s, and I was in 7th grade in Ken Mullen's "Language Arts" class. The assignment that day was to read aloud from a book; unfortunately, I have no recollection of what book it was, but one student was reading aloud and came across a particular word.

The word was "bitch". It was used properly, but with the snickers Mr. Mullen stopped to create a Teaching Moment.

"Does anyone know what 'bitch' really means?" he asked the class.

One student raised a hand and gave the correct definition: "A female dog."

"Correct," Mr. Mullen said. "That is the proper word that refers to a female dog. Now," he said, trying to make the lesson stick. "Does anyone know of a word for a male dog?"

Several people were pondering that, but it was Jane Glass who raised her hand.

"Yes?" Mr. Mullen said, calling on Jane.



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Is It Always Easier to Tell the Truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case, but then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible".

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."

"But, what"?

"Let me put it this way", his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed".

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so"?

Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away".

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Do You Have a Deck Chair?

Here is a fantastic story of 'Lawn Chair Man', some say he is an urban myth, do you believe this is a true story?

Larry Walters; Soared to Fame on Lawn Chair
Back in 1982, Larry Walters achieved fame by piloting a lawn chair attached to helium balloons 16,000 feet above Long Beach. Incidentally, his Lawn chair was christened "Inspiration I".

What happened was Larry joined 42 weather grade balloons to an aluminium lawn chair. He then filled the balloons by pumping in helium. Two assistants then launched his chair by untying the Guy ropes. Larry prepared for his flight by packing a bottle of soda, a parachute and a portable CB radio to alert air traffic to his presence. He took a camera but later admitted, that he was so paralysed by the view I didn't take any pictures.

As a truck driver, Larry had no pilot or balloon training, so it was all a big adventure when the chair soared three miles high to 16,000 feet. Unfortunately, or on reflection, fortunately he was in an air traffic lane and at least two airline pilots spotted him and contacted the Federal Aviation Administration.

Once the shock and the novelty wore off, Larry started to get cold. Fortunately he had a plan, this was to burst the balloons with his trusty pellet gun and thus descend gracefully back to earth. Unfortunately he had no control on the decent and the balloons draped over power lines, blacking out a Long Beach neighbourhood.

The adventure cost Larry Walters a $1,500 fine from the FAA. However he earned the top prize from the Bonehead Club of Dallas. Larry also claimed the altitude record for gas-filled clustered balloons. In due course Larry was invited to appear on "The Tonight Show" and was flown to New York to be on "Late Night With David Letterman," which he later described as "the most fun I've ever had."

"I didn't think that by fulfilling my dream that I would create such a stir," he later told The Times, "and make people laugh." Larry gave up his truck-driving job and went on the lecture circuit, remaining in demand at motivational seminars. But he said he never made much money from his innovative flight and was glad to keep his simple lifestyle. He gave his the aluminium lawn chair to children after he landed, but he later regretting giving away his pride and joy.

The key to Larry's suicide in 1993 may have been his Army service in Vietnam, Walters never married and had no children. He is survived by his mother and two sisters.


There have been numerous urban myths surrounding 'Lawn Chair Man'. But the above account is based on his Obituary in 1993.

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The History of Profiling

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today"?

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Rules to Live by Version 002

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Jack Reacher handle this"?

My reality check bounced.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

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Warning: The Stealth Virus coming sooner or later

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970 .


1... Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !
That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who
Sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.."
And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!

Virus name: THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Beware: No known cure!


...have I already sent this to you,

...or did you send it to me?

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Drinking and Driving can Be Extremely Dangerous!!!

On Saturday morning while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate I'm turning and someone stole my beer !!

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Are You a Party Animal?

There's these animals in a restaurant that partied late into the nite.

The waiter comes over at the end of the night ...

The skunk says
'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'

The duck says
'Just put it on my bill'

The cow says
'You'll have to ask one of the udders'

The deer says
'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'

The giraffe says
'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'

The frog says,
"I've got one greenback"

The vampire bat is thinking,
"Which one can I stick for the drink today?"

The snake says,
I guess I can't hold my liquor.

Another snake says:
" If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my Asp."

No, the snake said,
"It's hiss turn to pay."

The Rhinocerous says:
"Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just charge it."

The amoeba said,
"I've got to split now."

The paramecium said,
"I'll split it with him."

The groundhog said,
"If you let me go I shadow you a favor."

The turtle said,
"I shell pay next time."

The chicken said,
"I hope it's cheep."

The elephant said,
"But I've hardly trunk a drop."

The dachshund said,
"I've got be to getting a long now."

The manx cat said,
"I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short."

The chicken said,
"If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in hell."

And the snail said,
"No, you shell out the same as me"!

And the trotters said
"take 50 cents from two quarterhorses".

The beaver said,
"Dam if I'll pay".

Ken said
"See Barbie 'bout a doll, her".

The cows said
"We got plenty o' mooolah".

The bumblebee said
"Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz
zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off"

The zebra said,
"It's black and white--I haven't the money."

They each said,
"Ask some otter animal."

But the lion said,
"I'll pay--I've still got my pride."

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A Lion Was Getting Married...

At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion "All the best, my brother. Good luck".

Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hel_l do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse".

The Mouse replies: "I, too, was a Lion before I got married".

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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