Thursday 5th November 2020 - 04:04:10 

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Sex Life Insurance

If you sleep with your wife:

Legal and General.

If you sleep with your girlfriend:

Mutual Trust.

If you sleep with a prostitute:

Commercial Union.

If you sleep with all types:

Group Life.

If your wife lets you sleep around:

Liberty Life

Sex on the phone:

Direct Line

Sex with your partner:

Standard life

Sex with a transvestite:

Sex with someone different:

Sex with a fat Bird:

Sex on the back seat of a car:

Sex with a posh bird:

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A Thailand Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much"?

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"...

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ???

Contributor: Phil

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Chasing Chicks

An old farmer was relaxing on his verandah one evening, watching his rooster in the yard running around chasing after the hen.

They circled the yard half a dozen times, the cock in what seemed to be fierce pursuit of the hen...

Suddenly, the farmer's wife threw some scraps into the yard. The hen kept right on running, but the rooster stopped for nourishment.

Sadly the farmer lamented and said, "Good Lord in Heaven, I pray that I never get that hungry"!!!

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Programming Is Like Sex

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)

Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.

It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.

Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.

You can do it for money or for fun.

If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.

It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.

There's not enough taught about it in public school.

It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.

Some people are just naturally good.

But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.

There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.

One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.

It's a great way to spend a lunch break.

Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.

Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.

Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.

You'll miss it if it's been a while.

There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.

It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.

Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.

Other people just get in the way.

If you try to get too fancy, you could cause big problems (unless you really know what you're doing).

You can do it alone, but it's even better in a group.

It's great to get paid, but you'd do it for free if you had to.

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Language Arts Class Student Gets the Right Answer

It was the early 1970s, and I was in 7th grade in Ken Mullen's "Language Arts" class. The assignment that day was to read aloud from a book; unfortunately, I have no recollection of what book it was, but one student was reading aloud and came across a particular word.

The word was "bitch". It was used properly, but with the snickers Mr. Mullen stopped to create a Teaching Moment.

"Does anyone know what 'bitch' really means?" he asked the class.

One student raised a hand and gave the correct definition: "A female dog."

"Correct," Mr. Mullen said. "That is the proper word that refers to a female dog. Now," he said, trying to make the lesson stick. "Does anyone know of a word for a male dog?"

Several people were pondering that, but it was Jane Glass who raised her hand.

"Yes?" Mr. Mullen said, calling on Jane.



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Is It Always Easier to Tell the Truth

Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case, but then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible".

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."

"But, what"?

"Let me put it this way", his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed".

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so"?

Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away".

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Do You Have a Deck Chair?

Here is a fantastic story of 'Lawn Chair Man', some say he is an urban myth, do you believe this is a true story?

Larry Walters; Soared to Fame on Lawn Chair
Back in 1982, Larry Walters achieved fame by piloting a lawn chair attached to helium balloons 16,000 feet above Long Beach. Incidentally, his Lawn chair was christened "Inspiration I".

What happened was Larry joined 42 weather grade balloons to an aluminium lawn chair. He then filled the balloons by pumping in helium. Two assistants then launched his chair by untying the Guy ropes. Larry prepared for his flight by packing a bottle of soda, a parachute and a portable CB radio to alert air traffic to his presence. He took a camera but later admitted, that he was so paralysed by the view I didn't take any pictures.

As a truck driver, Larry had no pilot or balloon training, so it was all a big adventure when the chair soared three miles high to 16,000 feet. Unfortunately, or on reflection, fortunately he was in an air traffic lane and at least two airline pilots spotted him and contacted the Federal Aviation Administration.

Once the shock and the novelty wore off, Larry started to get cold. Fortunately he had a plan, this was to burst the balloons with his trusty pellet gun and thus descend gracefully back to earth. Unfortunately he had no control on the decent and the balloons draped over power lines, blacking out a Long Beach neighbourhood.

The adventure cost Larry Walters a $1,500 fine from the FAA. However he earned the top prize from the Bonehead Club of Dallas. Larry also claimed the altitude record for gas-filled clustered balloons. In due course Larry was invited to appear on "The Tonight Show" and was flown to New York to be on "Late Night With David Letterman," which he later described as "the most fun I've ever had."

"I didn't think that by fulfilling my dream that I would create such a stir," he later told The Times, "and make people laugh." Larry gave up his truck-driving job and went on the lecture circuit, remaining in demand at motivational seminars. But he said he never made much money from his innovative flight and was glad to keep his simple lifestyle. He gave his the aluminium lawn chair to children after he landed, but he later regretting giving away his pride and joy.

The key to Larry's suicide in 1993 may have been his Army service in Vietnam, Walters never married and had no children. He is survived by his mother and two sisters.


There have been numerous urban myths surrounding 'Lawn Chair Man'. But the above account is based on his Obituary in 1993.

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The History of Profiling

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today"?

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Rules to Live by Version 002

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Jack Reacher handle this"?

My reality check bounced.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious, wear a white coat and carry a clipboard.

I can only please one person each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

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Warning: The Stealth Virus coming sooner or later

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It Appears to affect those who were born prior to 1970 .


1... Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail !
That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who
Sent it to you. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.."
And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!

Virus name: THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Beware: No known cure!


...have I already sent this to you,

...or did you send it to me?

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Old Jokes   162    163    164    165  166  167    168    169    170   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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