Sunday 18th August 2019 - 06:24:43 

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At the Florist


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location'!


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If I Had a Hammer


A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat"! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man"?

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!


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Sex Life Insurance



If you sleep with your wife:

Legal and General.


If you sleep with your girlfriend:

Mutual Trust.


If you sleep with a prostitute:

Commercial Union.


If you sleep with all types:

Group Life.


If your wife lets you sleep around:

Liberty Life


Sex on the phone:

Direct Line


Sex with your partner:

Standard life


Sex with a transvestite:
Confused.com


Sex with someone different:
GoCompare.com


Sex with a fat Bird:
MoreThan.com


Sex on the back seat of a car:
SheilasWheels.com


Sex with a posh bird:
Privileged


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A Thailand Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much"?

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"...




Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ???



Contributor: Phil


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Chasing Chicks

An old farmer was relaxing on his verandah one evening, watching his rooster in the yard running around chasing after the hen.

They circled the yard half a dozen times, the cock in what seemed to be fierce pursuit of the hen...

Suddenly, the farmer's wife threw some scraps into the yard. The hen kept right on running, but the rooster stopped for nourishment.

Sadly the farmer lamented and said, "Good Lord in Heaven, I pray that I never get that hungry"!!!


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Programming Is Like Sex

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)

Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.

It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.

Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.

You can do it for money or for fun.

If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.

It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.

There's not enough taught about it in public school.

It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.

Some people are just naturally good.

But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.

There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.

One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.

It's a great way to spend a lunch break.

Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.

Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.

Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.

You'll miss it if it's been a while.

There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.

It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.

Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.

Other people just get in the way.

If you try to get too fancy, you could cause big problems (unless you really know what you're doing).

You can do it alone, but it's even better in a group.

It's great to get paid, but you'd do it for free if you had to.


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Language Arts Class Student Gets the Right Answer


It was the early 1970s, and I was in 7th grade in Ken Mullen's "Language Arts" class. The assignment that day was to read aloud from a book; unfortunately, I have no recollection of what book it was, but one student was reading aloud and came across a particular word.

The word was "bitch". It was used properly, but with the snickers Mr. Mullen stopped to create a Teaching Moment.

"Does anyone know what 'bitch' really means?" he asked the class.

One student raised a hand and gave the correct definition: "A female dog."

"Correct," Mr. Mullen said. "That is the proper word that refers to a female dog. Now," he said, trying to make the lesson stick. "Does anyone know of a word for a male dog?"

Several people were pondering that, but it was Jane Glass who raised her hand.

"Yes?" Mr. Mullen said, calling on Jane.

"'Basta*d'?"


Copyright: http://www.jumbojoke.com/language_arts_class.html


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Is It Always Easier to Tell the Truth



Mr. Smith asked his wife for advice about his upcoming court case in which he could possibly win $50,000 from the insurance company. "Honey, if I lie, I'll win the case, but then I would have broken an oath sworn on the Holy Bible".

His wife says, "I don't want to advise you to do the wrong thing, but . . ."

"But, what"?

"Let me put it this way", his wife explained. "Treat the prosecuting attorney like I treat you in bed".

Puzzled, Mr. Smith asks, "How so"?

Mrs. Smith replies, "Just lie there 'til he goes away".


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Do You Have a Deck Chair?

 
Here is a fantastic story of 'Lawn Chair Man', some say he is an urban myth, do you believe this is a true story?


Larry Walters; Soared to Fame on Lawn Chair
Back in 1982, Larry Walters achieved fame by piloting a lawn chair attached to helium balloons 16,000 feet above Long Beach. Incidentally, his Lawn chair was christened "Inspiration I".

What happened was Larry joined 42 weather grade balloons to an aluminium lawn chair. He then filled the balloons by pumping in helium. Two assistants then launched his chair by untying the Guy ropes. Larry prepared for his flight by packing a bottle of soda, a parachute and a portable CB radio to alert air traffic to his presence. He took a camera but later admitted, that he was so paralysed by the view I didn't take any pictures.

As a truck driver, Larry had no pilot or balloon training, so it was all a big adventure when the chair soared three miles high to 16,000 feet. Unfortunately, or on reflection, fortunately he was in an air traffic lane and at least two airline pilots spotted him and contacted the Federal Aviation Administration.

Once the shock and the novelty wore off, Larry started to get cold. Fortunately he had a plan, this was to burst the balloons with his trusty pellet gun and thus descend gracefully back to earth. Unfortunately he had no control on the decent and the balloons draped over power lines, blacking out a Long Beach neighbourhood.

The adventure cost Larry Walters a $1,500 fine from the FAA. However he earned the top prize from the Bonehead Club of Dallas. Larry also claimed the altitude record for gas-filled clustered balloons. In due course Larry was invited to appear on "The Tonight Show" and was flown to New York to be on "Late Night With David Letterman," which he later described as "the most fun I've ever had."

"I didn't think that by fulfilling my dream that I would create such a stir," he later told The Times, "and make people laugh." Larry gave up his truck-driving job and went on the lecture circuit, remaining in demand at motivational seminars. But he said he never made much money from his innovative flight and was glad to keep his simple lifestyle. He gave his the aluminium lawn chair to children after he landed, but he later regretting giving away his pride and joy.

The key to Larry's suicide in 1993 may have been his Army service in Vietnam, Walters never married and had no children. He is survived by his mother and two sisters.

Footnote

There have been numerous urban myths surrounding 'Lawn Chair Man'. But the above account is based on his Obituary in 1993.
 


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The History of Profiling


The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today"?



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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




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