Friday 10th July 2020 - 05:04:20 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


Best Feelgood of All Time...

...Dirty Dancing was recently voted the best 'feelgood 'film of all time.

Rubbish,i get my wedding video out,start viewing it in reverse,she get's the ring back,she walks back down the chapel,out the door,into the hired wedding car and disappears from my view completely.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Lawyer off for a Weekend with a his Friend

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.

His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male! Meanwhile visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head! He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other"!

"Exactly", replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male"?



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Google Translate this


Using Google Translate - English to French:


Take a dirty picture for me



...now the translated French text back into English:


Prenez une photo coquine pour moi



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


You Have Just Got to Love this Nurse

A police motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital because he had an inflamed appendix.

The operation was successful and the suregeon advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

He was alarmed and thought is may be a second surgery that the doctors hadn't told him about it. Finally he overcome his fear and decided to investigate. He pulled his hospital gown up to see the what was causing the irritation and making him feel so uncomfortable. He immediately saw the problem causing the irritation.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily -- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon, from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week'.


Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


At the Florist


A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,....

"Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location'!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


If I Had a Hammer


A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat"! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man"?

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Sex Life Insurance



If you sleep with your wife:

Legal and General.


If you sleep with your girlfriend:

Mutual Trust.


If you sleep with a prostitute:

Commercial Union.


If you sleep with all types:

Group Life.


If your wife lets you sleep around:

Liberty Life


Sex on the phone:

Direct Line


Sex with your partner:

Standard life


Sex with a transvestite:
Confused.com


Sex with someone different:
GoCompare.com


Sex with a fat Bird:
MoreThan.com


Sex on the back seat of a car:
SheilasWheels.com


Sex with a posh bird:
Privileged


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Thailand Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much"?

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"...




Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ???



Contributor: Phil


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Chasing Chicks

An old farmer was relaxing on his verandah one evening, watching his rooster in the yard running around chasing after the hen.

They circled the yard half a dozen times, the cock in what seemed to be fierce pursuit of the hen...

Suddenly, the farmer's wife threw some scraps into the yard. The hen kept right on running, but the rooster stopped for nourishment.

Sadly the farmer lamented and said, "Good Lord in Heaven, I pray that I never get that hungry"!!!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Programming Is Like Sex

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. (Michael Sinz)

Once you get started, you'll only stop because you're exhausted.

It often takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you're doing.

Conversely, there's some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.

You can do it for money or for fun.

If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you're some kind of freak.

It's not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.

There's not enough taught about it in public school.

It doesn't make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.

Some people are just naturally good.

But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you're wasting your time trying to tell them.

There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.

One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.

It's a great way to spend a lunch break.

Everyone acts like they're the first person to come up with a new technique.

Everyone who's done it pokes fun at those who haven't.

Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.

You'll miss it if it's been a while.

There's always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.

It doesn't go so well when you're drunk, but you're more likely to do it.

Sometimes it's fun to use expensive toys.

Other people just get in the way.

If you try to get too fancy, you could cause big problems (unless you really know what you're doing).

You can do it alone, but it's even better in a group.

It's great to get paid, but you'd do it for free if you had to.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   162    163    164    165  166  167    168    169    170   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.228.21.204 / 831,696Mb / 05:04:20 / 200 / No Errors