Monday 28th September 2020 - 18:27:24 

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What a Way to Go...

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead"??!!!

"Woah, what the hell happened to him"?

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die"!

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go, that's terrible"!

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go"!

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man, what a way to go"!

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that....".

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die"?

"I shot him"!

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for"?

"He was wrecking my house".

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Latest Medical Discovery - Great News for Men!!!

Researchers at The American Medical Association recently discovered that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make men far more cocky and all women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know :)

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News Flash: Marine Stabbed by Suspected Shoplifter

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.

The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, several broken ribs, possible fractured skull and assorted lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.

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Try These Top 10 Christmas Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

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Will his Wife Like her Xmas Gift?

When my neighbor proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with a horse for Christmas, I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride.

He said he wasn't sure, but she could probably ride about anything since she had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch out in Nevada...

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Has this Ever Happened to You on a Pub Crawl?

Last night I went on a pub crawl with some mates and woke up in bed this morning next to the most ugly, fat, stinking woman you have ever seen...

...that's when I realised I had made it home safely.

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Little Johnny and the Local Priest

Little Johnny sitting at the table along with the local priest who has been invited in for tea.

Johnny says "can you pass me the f@#$ing salt Mum"?

Johnny's Dad pulls him into the kitchen, belt's him round the ear and says "you can't say that in front of a priest, go in and apologise".

Johnny goes back to the table and says "sorry for that Father, I didn't mean to make a c@^t of myself".

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Harry Potter’s 3rd Bride

Harry Potter had been divorced twice by his unfaithful wives, so he decided the only way to get a wife who knew nothing of sex. He really meant nothing! So he moved to the back-woods and found himself a simple, innocent mountain girl and they got married.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand" and how it was unique. She was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her and was very satisfied living with Harry.

Unfortunately Harry needed to make a living and he had to go out of town on a business trip. He felt confident on leaving because his innocent wife thought only he had a "magic wand".

On his return he knew there was something strange about his wife and eventually she confronted him.

His wife blurted out "You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand"!

"Well yes..." he faltered.

"When you were away I discovered that Ron also has a magic wand" she yelled!

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Ron is my best friend and because I had two magic wands I thought I would give him one".

Suddenly she started sobbing and big tears rolled down her cheeks.

"What is the problem" Harry asked?

"Why, Oh why" she sobbed, "did you have to give Ron the big one"?!

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Best Feelgood of All Time...

...Dirty Dancing was recently voted the best 'feelgood 'film of all time.

Rubbish,i get my wedding video out,start viewing it in reverse,she get's the ring back,she walks back down the chapel,out the door,into the hired wedding car and disappears from my view completely.

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Lawyer off for a Weekend with a his Friend

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.

Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.

His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.

The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male! Meanwhile visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head! He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Whatdya do that for" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other"!

"Exactly", replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male"?

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Old Jokes   163    164    165    166  167  168    169    170    171   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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