Friday 23rd August 2019 - 14:12:41 

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A Dinner Date with the Girl of his Dreams


Harry met up with his close friend Chuck and told Chuck that he had just met the girl of his dreams. He asked Chuck for advise on how he should proceed!

The wise and experienced man of the world, Chuck said, "Well, send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal".

Harry liked the idea, so he followed Chuck's advice and invited the woman.

Next day after the dinner Chuck called Harry and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.

Harry cried, "It waa a complete flop".

Chuck asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come to your house"?

Harry replied, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily"!


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Advice from a Father to his Soon to Be Married Son



The day before his wedding, the soon to be bridegoom asks his father if he has any words of wisdom to assist in his new venture.

"Just two things," his father says. "First off, tell your new wife that you must have at least one night a week to go out with the boys".

"And the second gem of wisdom" the son asks?

"Don't waste it on the boys".


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Why Little Johnny Never Takes his Baby Sister Fishing


Little Johnny had to take care of his baby sister while his mum and dad went shopping. To pass the time he decided to go fishing and reluctantly took his little sister along.

"I'll never do that again", Little Johnny said to his mum, "I didn't catch a thing"!

His mum said "Oh, next time I'm sure your little sister will be quiet and not frighten the fish away".

Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the fxxxing bait".


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Soa - Senior Online Abbreviations

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Farted

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered By Medicare

CUATSC - See You At The Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWB - Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living On Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU - Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP - Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet The Furniture Again

WTP - Where's The Prunes?

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil


Source: JumboJoke.com


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Guaranteed Peace at Last

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most… “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said … “Nah… let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!”


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Overheard in a San Francisco Elementary School

Two sweet, little girls were having lunch in a San Francisco Elementary School.

One turned to the other and said, "guess what, my Mommy is getting married again and I am so excited; I wll get a new Daddy"!!!

"Really", said the other girl. "Who is she marrying"?

"Chareles Henry, the famous Director".

The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll really like him. He was my Daddy last year"!


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Did this Happen After your Wedding...

Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the newl-wed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two".

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five".




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Has this Ever Happened to You?


He held me strongly but gently just above my elbow and led me into a room, his room. The door was quietly shut and we were alone!

He approached me without making a sound from behind then spoke in a low but reassuring voice very near to my ear. "Just relax and be calm".

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."


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What a Way to Go...

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead"??!!!

"Woah, what the hell happened to him"?

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die"!

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go, that's terrible"!

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go"!

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man, what a way to go"!

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that....".

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die"?

"I shot him"!

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for"?

"He was wrecking my house".


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Latest Medical Discovery - Great News for Men!!!



Researchers at The American Medical Association recently discovered that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make men far more cocky and all women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know :)




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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