Tuesday 4th August 2020 - 10:09:21 

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Young Lady Enrolls for a Woodwork Class

On the first day of the school term the teacher was surprised to see a rather prim young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Sarah and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.

The bemused teacher asked Sarah if she was sure she was in the right class. Sarah assured him that she was.

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools"?

"What exactly do you mean" Sarah asked?

"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt" the teacher expounded?

After pondering for a moment, Sarah admitted, "I really cannot say, since I've never been 'bolted' before".

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Not Quick Enough to Stop It

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the petrol pump bang on what you want to pay. I let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03p.

"Bollocks"! I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, mate", smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra".

"Cheers, mate", I said as I handed him my tenner and buggered off.

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Twenty Modern Aphorisms:

...a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise of clever observation or a general truth

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a. m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . .. . . and the ones that mind don't matter.

Latest additions:

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . .. . . . but it's still a gift.

22. Remember... politicians and nappies should be changed often and for the same reason!!!

Contributor: Howard

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A Dinner Date with the Girl of his Dreams

Harry met up with his close friend Chuck and told Chuck that he had just met the girl of his dreams. He asked Chuck for advise on how he should proceed!

The wise and experienced man of the world, Chuck said, "Well, send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal".

Harry liked the idea, so he followed Chuck's advice and invited the woman.

Next day after the dinner Chuck called Harry and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go.

Harry cried, "It waa a complete flop".

Chuck asked, "Why? Didn't the girl come to your house"?

Harry replied, "She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily"!

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Advice from a Father to his Soon to Be Married Son

The day before his wedding, the soon to be bridegoom asks his father if he has any words of wisdom to assist in his new venture.

"Just two things," his father says. "First off, tell your new wife that you must have at least one night a week to go out with the boys".

"And the second gem of wisdom" the son asks?

"Don't waste it on the boys".

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Why Little Johnny Never Takes his Baby Sister Fishing

Little Johnny had to take care of his baby sister while his mum and dad went shopping. To pass the time he decided to go fishing and reluctantly took his little sister along.

"I'll never do that again", Little Johnny said to his mum, "I didn't catch a thing"!

His mum said "Oh, next time I'm sure your little sister will be quiet and not frighten the fish away".

Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the fxxxing bait".

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Soa - Senior Online Abbreviations

ATD - At The Doctor's

BFF - Best Friend Farted

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM - Covered By Medicare

CUATSC - See You At The Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWB - Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living On Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU - Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP - Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL - Talk To You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA - Wet The Furniture Again

WTP - Where's The Prunes?

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Source: JumboJoke.com

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Guaranteed Peace at Last

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most… “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said … “Nah… let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!”

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Overheard in a San Francisco Elementary School

Two sweet, little girls were having lunch in a San Francisco Elementary School.

One turned to the other and said, "guess what, my Mommy is getting married again and I am so excited; I wll get a new Daddy"!!!

"Really", said the other girl. "Who is she marrying"?

"Chareles Henry, the famous Director".

The second girl smiled. "Oh, you'll really like him. He was my Daddy last year"!

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Did this Happen After your Wedding...

Phil had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Phil made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the newl-wed pair arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Phil even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Amazed that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Phil called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two".

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five".

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Old Jokes   164    165    166    167  168  169    170    171    172   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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