Monday 29th June 2020 - 16:37:52 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Be Prepared

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.”

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The Bear, Rabbit and the Golden Frog

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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Down Under

A small plane crashed in the Australian outback where the sole survivor is a baby boy.

A pack of dingo dogs who happened to be nursing their own pups suckled the baby boy and actually raised him until he was found at age of 10 by a missionary couple who adopted him.

Incapable of human speech at first,he catches up fast as the devoted missionary couple taught him not only to speak, read, and write but to master calculus and speek French.

At age 15 the boy gets early admission to Harvard and 3 years later he's ready to start his first year of Medical School when he was run over and killed chasing a car.

Nicked from:

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Warning - Guaranteed to Offend Most People

To see these offensive comments: hold your left mouse button down and scroll to the end or click CTRL-A.

.......don't forget you have been warned!!!!!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him
'I wish I had your will power'

I see British Rail are at it again....
...the sign said if i stood too close to the edge i might get sucked off ???
....4 fukkin hours i wasted

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did'.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait'
I said ' don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes
'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslim" were not the correct answers.

Contributor: Howard

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Warning - Non-pc

To see these offensive comments: hold your left mouse button down and scroll to the end or click CTRL-A.

.......don't forget you have been warned!!!!!

Just Fostered a Muslim.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall".

I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & The Beanstalk',in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester  & Luton:
because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

Sign seen in a store window

"We would rather do business with
1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than with
one single British soldier"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement?

However, what about us being a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty -
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN ?

You may say. 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'

A funeral parlour

(who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

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Irish Traditional 18th Birthday Feat

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him"?

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot"!

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The Young Australian Approach to Selling

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'


The manager choked and exclaimed £188,427.55!!! What the hell did you sell him'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Contributor: Howard

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Young Lady Enrolls for a Woodwork Class

On the first day of the school term the teacher was surprised to see a rather prim young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Sarah and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.

The bemused teacher asked Sarah if she was sure she was in the right class. Sarah assured him that she was.

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools"?

"What exactly do you mean" Sarah asked?

"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt" the teacher expounded?

After pondering for a moment, Sarah admitted, "I really cannot say, since I've never been 'bolted' before".

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Not Quick Enough to Stop It

I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the petrol pump bang on what you want to pay. I let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03p.

"Bollocks"! I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.

"Unlucky, mate", smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra".

"Cheers, mate", I said as I handed him my tenner and buggered off.

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Twenty Modern Aphorisms:

...a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise of clever observation or a general truth

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humour, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a. m. - like, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind . .. . . and the ones that mind don't matter.

Latest additions:

21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . .. . . . but it's still a gift.

22. Remember... politicians and nappies should be changed often and for the same reason!!!

Contributor: Howard

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Old Jokes   165    166    167    168  169  170    171    172    173   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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