Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 07:06:23 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly

Top 10 Signs that a Computer is Owned by a Harley Rider:

  1. The monitor & CPU have been repainted orange and black.

  2.   System sound effects now play a Harley kicking over when a program starts.

  3.   There's an oil stain on the floor just below the computer.

  4.   Number key pad only goes up to two.

  5.   Password is "WillieG".

  6.   The mouse is referred to as "the Rat".

  7.   There is a Skoal can mounted in the CD-ROM drive.

  8.   Expansion slots have Genuine Harley-Davidson bike parts installed in them.

  9.   The keyboard is mounted at the level of the user's chin and his seat tilts backward -- ape-hanger keyboard!

    And the Number 1 sign that a computer is owned by a Harley rider:

  10.   A half-naked, big-breasted "Warrior Princess" and her tiger have been airbrushed onto the sides of the monitor!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Dustman Calls to Collect the Dustbin

He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. The dustman says "Where's; your bin"?

Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom.

Dustman says "No where is your dust bin"?

Chinese man says "I just told you I dust bin in the bedroom".

Dustman says "NO, where is your wheelie bin".

Chinese man says "ok I wheelie been having a wank".

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Grandpa is Sitting Half-naked on the Porch

A man came to visit his grandparents, And he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking Chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea!"

Nicked from:

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Be Prepared

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.”

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Bear, Rabbit and the Golden Frog

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Down Under

A small plane crashed in the Australian outback where the sole survivor is a baby boy.

A pack of dingo dogs who happened to be nursing their own pups suckled the baby boy and actually raised him until he was found at age of 10 by a missionary couple who adopted him.

Incapable of human speech at first,he catches up fast as the devoted missionary couple taught him not only to speak, read, and write but to master calculus and speek French.

At age 15 the boy gets early admission to Harvard and 3 years later he's ready to start his first year of Medical School when he was run over and killed chasing a car.

Nicked from:

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Warning - Guaranteed to Offend Most People

To see these offensive comments: hold your left mouse button down and scroll to the end or click CTRL-A.

.......don't forget you have been warned!!!!!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him
'I wish I had your will power'

I see British Rail are at it again....
...the sign said if i stood too close to the edge i might get sucked off ???
....4 fukkin hours i wasted

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did'.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait'
I said ' don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes
'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslim" were not the correct answers.

Contributor: Howard

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Warning - Non-pc

To see these offensive comments: hold your left mouse button down and scroll to the end or click CTRL-A.

.......don't forget you have been warned!!!!!

Just Fostered a Muslim.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall".

I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & The Beanstalk',in Birmingham, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester  & Luton:
because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford, killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away".
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

Sign seen in a store window

"We would rather do business with
1,000 Al Qaeda Terrorists than with
one single British soldier"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.
You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement?

However, what about us being a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty -
After all, it is ONLY A SIGN ?

You may say. 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?'

A funeral parlour

(who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Irish Traditional 18th Birthday Feat

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him"?

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot"!

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

The Young Australian Approach to Selling

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'


The manager choked and exclaimed £188,427.55!!! What the hell did you sell him'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'

'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

Contributor: Howard

Share with friends?

Funny Pictures

Old Jokes   165    166    167    168  169  170    171    172    173   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.11  Debug: / 709,200Mb / 07:06:23 / 200 / No Errors