Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 15:42:35 

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The Tough Lumberjack

A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly.

The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer.

"Don't bother Doc", said the man. "I've been through a lot worse".

"More painful than this" the doctor asked?

"I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a crap so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my balls"!

The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse"?

The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that chain"!

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Party Clown Replacement

A woman is giving a party for her grand daughter and arranged everything, caterer, band, clown, you name it, she got it.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Grateful, they head to the rear of the house and start chopping the wood.

Party guests arrive and all is going well. The children are having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up.

Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. Just then, she happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100"!

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Fred! for $100, would you chop off another toe"?

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Gorilla Antics at the Zoo

Michael went to the zoo one day.

While Michael was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. Michael waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and likewise the gorilla patted his stomach. He jumped up and down. The gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. All of Michael's antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and Michael got some grit in his eye. Michael rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat him senseless.

When he came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained, "in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you'".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left, however, Michael became madder and madder and plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, Michael put on the party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then Michael picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

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Top 10 Signs that a Computer is Owned by a Harley Rider:

  1. The monitor & CPU have been repainted orange and black.

  2.   System sound effects now play a Harley kicking over when a program starts.

  3.   There's an oil stain on the floor just below the computer.

  4.   Number key pad only goes up to two.

  5.   Password is "WillieG".

  6.   The mouse is referred to as "the Rat".

  7.   There is a Skoal can mounted in the CD-ROM drive.

  8.   Expansion slots have Genuine Harley-Davidson bike parts installed in them.

  9.   The keyboard is mounted at the level of the user's chin and his seat tilts backward -- ape-hanger keyboard!

    And the Number 1 sign that a computer is owned by a Harley rider:

  10.   A half-naked, big-breasted "Warrior Princess" and her tiger have been airbrushed onto the sides of the monitor!

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Dustman Calls to Collect the Dustbin

He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. The dustman says "Where's; your bin"?

Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom.

Dustman says "No where is your dust bin"?

Chinese man says "I just told you I dust bin in the bedroom".

Dustman says "NO, where is your wheelie bin".

Chinese man says "ok I wheelie been having a wank".

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Grandpa is Sitting Half-naked on the Porch

A man came to visit his grandparents, And he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking Chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea!"

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Be Prepared

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache.”

“Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.”

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The Bear, Rabbit and the Golden Frog

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.

The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

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Down Under

A small plane crashed in the Australian outback where the sole survivor is a baby boy.

A pack of dingo dogs who happened to be nursing their own pups suckled the baby boy and actually raised him until he was found at age of 10 by a missionary couple who adopted him.

Incapable of human speech at first,he catches up fast as the devoted missionary couple taught him not only to speak, read, and write but to master calculus and speek French.

At age 15 the boy gets early admission to Harvard and 3 years later he's ready to start his first year of Medical School when he was run over and killed chasing a car.

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Warning - Guaranteed to Offend Most People

To see these offensive comments: hold your left mouse button down and scroll to the end or click CTRL-A.

.......don't forget you have been warned!!!!!

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him
'I wish I had your will power'

I see British Rail are at it again....
...the sign said if i stood too close to the edge i might get sucked off ???
....4 fukkin hours i wasted

Top tip: if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did'.

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said 'sorry about the wait'
I said ' don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes
'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Muslim" were not the correct answers.

Contributor: Howard

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Old Jokes   165    166    167    168  169  170    171    172    173   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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