Monday 29th June 2020 - 08:47:45 

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A Lady of the Night Goes to a New Trick-cyclist

The lady entered and sat in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem" the doctor asked?

"Well, I, uh", she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac".

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $85 an hour".

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night"?

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The Reason Why You Are on your Own

Before sex, you help each other to get naked.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you after you have screwed.

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Uk's Answer to Obama's Recent Speech on Tax Cuts

For the benefit of Americans, please replace "car boot sales" with "garage sales".

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

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Cats Like to Snuggle in Warm Places

A UK, Norfolk haulage firm has a colony of cats. The moggies liked to snuggle up against the warm tyres of the returning lorries and frequently sustained crushed paws or tails if the vehicles moved.

An arrangement with the local vet meant that drivers could whisk an injured cat to the local vets.

When one driver duly reported an accident, the boss asked if he had taken "Fang" to the vets".

"Oh yes, but the vet wasn't in", the driver replied "So I slipped him under the door with a note".

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The Tough Lumberjack

A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly.

The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer.

"Don't bother Doc", said the man. "I've been through a lot worse".

"More painful than this" the doctor asked?

"I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a crap so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my balls"!

The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse"?

The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that chain"!

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Party Clown Replacement

A woman is giving a party for her grand daughter and arranged everything, caterer, band, clown, you name it, she got it.

Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Grateful, they head to the rear of the house and start chopping the wood.

Party guests arrive and all is going well. The children are having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up.

Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. Just then, she happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100"!

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Fred! for $100, would you chop off another toe"?

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Gorilla Antics at the Zoo

Michael went to the zoo one day.

While Michael was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him intently. Michael waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He patted his stomach and likewise the gorilla patted his stomach. He jumped up and down. The gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. All of Michael's antics were copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.

All of a sudden the wind gusted and Michael got some grit in his eye. Michael rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing so he, he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded man and beat him senseless.

When he came to, the zoo keeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and explained, "in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means 'screw you'".

The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better but he accepted it. As he left, however, Michael became madder and madder and plotted his revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, Michael put on the party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The gorilla did the same. Then Michael picked up his knife and waved it over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.

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Top 10 Signs that a Computer is Owned by a Harley Rider:

  1. The monitor & CPU have been repainted orange and black.

  2.   System sound effects now play a Harley kicking over when a program starts.

  3.   There's an oil stain on the floor just below the computer.

  4.   Number key pad only goes up to two.

  5.   Password is "WillieG".

  6.   The mouse is referred to as "the Rat".

  7.   There is a Skoal can mounted in the CD-ROM drive.

  8.   Expansion slots have Genuine Harley-Davidson bike parts installed in them.

  9.   The keyboard is mounted at the level of the user's chin and his seat tilts backward -- ape-hanger keyboard!

    And the Number 1 sign that a computer is owned by a Harley rider:

  10.   A half-naked, big-breasted "Warrior Princess" and her tiger have been airbrushed onto the sides of the monitor!

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Dustman Calls to Collect the Dustbin

He knocks on the door and a Chinese man comes out. The dustman says "Where's; your bin"?

Chinese man says I bin in the bedroom.

Dustman says "No where is your dust bin"?

Chinese man says "I just told you I dust bin in the bedroom".

Dustman says "NO, where is your wheelie bin".

Chinese man says "ok I wheelie been having a wank".

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Grandpa is Sitting Half-naked on the Porch

A man came to visit his grandparents, And he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking Chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea!"

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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