Thursday 4th February 2021 - 20:21:34 

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Beware, Will Offend Most People

Two nun's are walking through Central Park when a couple of guys jump out and start raping them.

The first nun cries out "forgive them Father for they know not what they do".

The second cries out mine does!!!

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Do You Know How to Park

A young man was trying to park his car between two others.

He put it in reverse and bang- right into the car behind him.

He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front.

A young woman watching the maneuvet couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear” she asked?

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Cairo Joke of the Day!

Mubarak dies and goes to meet his makers. Not surprisingly he meets Nasser and Sadat.

Together they ask him: "So, what was it. Road accident, poison, sniper..."?

Mubarak sighs, shakes his head and says "Facebook"!

Contributor: Qifa Nabki

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Irish Jokes.....oh Dear!

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"..

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contra_ctions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet..

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

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An answer I can understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

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Contributor: Howard

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Maybe this is the Real Problem

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.

In a Buffalo University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section"?

Yep, these are the same kind of college kids that just voted in our last election!

They breed and they walk among us.

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A Lady of the Night Goes to a New Trick-cyclist

The lady entered and sat in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem" the doctor asked?

"Well, I, uh", she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac".

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $85 an hour".

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night"?

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The Reason Why You Are on your Own

Before sex, you help each other to get naked.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you after you have screwed.

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Uk's Answer to Obama's Recent Speech on Tax Cuts

For the benefit of Americans, please replace "car boot sales" with "garage sales".

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky or
5) Tattoos.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

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Cats Like to Snuggle in Warm Places

A UK, Norfolk haulage firm has a colony of cats. The moggies liked to snuggle up against the warm tyres of the returning lorries and frequently sustained crushed paws or tails if the vehicles moved.

An arrangement with the local vet meant that drivers could whisk an injured cat to the local vets.

When one driver duly reported an accident, the boss asked if he had taken "Fang" to the vets".

"Oh yes, but the vet wasn't in", the driver replied "So I slipped him under the door with a note".

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The Tough Lumberjack

A lumber jack was rushed to the hospital after cutting himself badly.

The doctor told the nurse to prepare a dose of pain killer.

"Don't bother Doc", said the man. "I've been through a lot worse".

"More painful than this" the doctor asked?

"I'll tell you about the second most painful accident I ever had. I was working in the woods one day and had to take a crap so I dropped my pants and squatted down without looking. I tripped a bear trap and BAM, the thing snapped shut on my balls"!

The doctor winced and said "That's terrible. But if that's only the second, what could be worse"?

The lumber jack replied, "When I jumped up, started to run and came to the end of that chain"!

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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