Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 00:10:39 

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This Other Guy with a Monkey

He walked into a bar with his pet monkey on his shoulder. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
Sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate. Then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again along with his monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." !!!

Contributor: Howard

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Simple Sex Problem Solution

A sex research assistant discovered what appeared to be a mistake on one of the sex survey forms. She telephoned the participants to clarify the apparent error.

She says to the man: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'two times a week'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'".

"That's right", the man said. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off".

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E-bay Ripoff!!

'bought a penis enlarger from EBay for $50

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass...

Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight".

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Beware, Will Offend Most People

Two nun's are walking through Central Park when a couple of guys jump out and start raping them.

The first nun cries out "forgive them Father for they know not what they do".

The second cries out mine does!!!

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Do You Know How to Park

A young man was trying to park his car between two others.

He put it in reverse and bang- right into the car behind him.

He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front.

A young woman watching the maneuvet couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear” she asked?

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Cairo Joke of the Day!

Mubarak dies and goes to meet his makers. Not surprisingly he meets Nasser and Sadat.

Together they ask him: "So, what was it. Road accident, poison, sniper..."?

Mubarak sighs, shakes his head and says "Facebook"!

Contributor: Qifa Nabki

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Irish Jokes.....oh Dear!

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"..

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

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Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contra_ctions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For god’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

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An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet..

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

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An answer I can understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

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Contributor: Howard

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Maybe this is the Real Problem

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.

In a Buffalo University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section"?

Yep, these are the same kind of college kids that just voted in our last election!

They breed and they walk among us.

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A Lady of the Night Goes to a New Trick-cyclist

The lady entered and sat in the psychiatrists office.

"What seems to be the problem" the doctor asked?

"Well, I, uh", she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac".

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $85 an hour".

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night"?

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The Reason Why You Are on your Own

Before sex, you help each other to get naked.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you after you have screwed.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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