Thursday 17th October 2019 - 02:11:07 

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How to Keep a Woman Happy Vs How to Keep a Man Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.   

A man only needs to be:   

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

Leave him alone.


Contributor: Claude


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Golf - Will the Man on the Ladys Tee

It was a glorious Sunday morning on the Glasgow municipal golf course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy:
'WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE PLEASE.'

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder', Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled', Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE.'

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back', Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot'


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A Test for the Chef

A young man goes into a restaurant looking for a job.

As a test, the head chef gives him a two eggs and asks him separate the white's and yolk's.

Eager to impress, the young guy throws the 2 eggs in the air, they both hit the light fitting and break in 2, the yolks drop in one dish, the white's in another dish, he quickly opens the rubbish bin lid and catches the shells.

He say's proudly, " There do I get the job"?

The head chef replies, "No, you f#$k about too much".
______


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Wisdom from Calvin and Hobbes


That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!


In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.


You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.


Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me.


What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?


As a math atheist, I should be excused from this.


This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ...


I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing.


I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!


I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information


I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.


Reality continues to ruin my life.


Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.


A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.


It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.


I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.


Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.


Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?



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A Rich Young Man Meets Young, Beautiful Girl

...after drinks he took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was quite well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked her if she preferred port or sherry.

She said, "Oh, sherry by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the cork is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole body begins to glow. The music of a thousand softly playing violins fills my ears and I am transported with this elixir to the make believe world of magic".

"On the other hand, port makes me fart".







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First Woman President of the Usa


The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.

Susan calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration'?

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again'.

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home and a limousine will pick you up at your door'.

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear'?

'Oh Mom' replies Susan, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York'.

'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat'.

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, Kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come'.

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20th, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States'?

The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do'.

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'.



Contributor: Terry H


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Which One Has Happened to You?

How To Turn A Man Down...


HE. " can I buy you a drink? "
SHE. " Actually I'd rather have the money "


HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!


HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!


HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!


HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!


HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!


HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!


HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?


HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!


HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?


HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!


Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.


Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.


Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.


Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.


Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.



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This Other Guy with a Monkey


He walked into a bar with his pet monkey on his shoulder. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
Sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate. Then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again along with his monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first." !!!



Contributor: Howard


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Simple Sex Problem Solution


A sex research assistant discovered what appeared to be a mistake on one of the sex survey forms. She telephoned the participants to clarify the apparent error.

She says to the man: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'two times a week'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'".

"That's right", the man said. "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off".




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E-bay Ripoff!!


'bought a penis enlarger from EBay for $50



Bastards sent me a magnifying glass...

Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight".








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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




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