Sunday 8th December 2019 - 08:28:00 

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Five Short Jokes


  1. If you're anxious and you know it...
    Clasp your hands.


  2. A defense attorney was in recovery after open heart surgery.
    He woke up to a bright beautiful morning and saw that the blinds were closed tight and he asked the nurse why?
    The nurse replied, "late last night the building across the street burned down, a complete loss. We didn't want you to wake up, see the flames, and assume that the surgery was a failure."


  3. Did you here about the big paddle sale at the boat store?
    Everyone said it was quite an oar deal!


  4. You’ll never see me buying Evian water.
    I’m not stupid, it’s 'naive’ backwards.
    I buy the slightly cheaper Dosyllis instead.
    I think it’s Greek.


  5. My mates been having an affair with a goldsmith but he had to call it off.
    He couldn't stand the gilt.




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A Sign of True Love and Affection


Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.



Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!



Contributor: Claude


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Three Drunks Fall into a Taxi


The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The first guy gave him money, second guy said thanks, but the third guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car hadn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked.

Don't drive so bloody fast next time, you almost killed us.


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Jokes for Men

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.


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Getting Dressed After Kindergarten


Everyone who has ever helped a child to get dressed will love this one :)

Way down in the heat of Texas there was a teacher helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...


He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!


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Paddy Murphy's Wife Was Having a Baby


Paddy had been waiting patiently for two hours in the the maternity hospital. Eventually he picked up the internal phone and called the doctor saying, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy. What's the latest news on my wife"?

The doctor answered, "You're the father of a fine baby boy but hold on because it's not all over yet".

After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy. What's the news on my wife"?

The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl but hold on because it's not all over yet".

After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy, what's the latest news"?

The doctor answered, "You're the father of triplets - two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night".

So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guinness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily and called the doctor at the hospital - or thought he did.

Actually Paddy misdialed and got the local cricket club instead. Paddy asked, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy, what's the news on my wife"?

The voice on the other end of the line replied, "All out for a hundred and one and the last one out was a duck".


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Sms Sent from a Bar



"Hi Darling,

I'm just having my last drink. I'll be home in about half hour.

If I'm not back by then - just read this SMS again".



Contributor: Terry Herbert (HAH)


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Cheers to the Footballers when They Score



When Beckham scores;   I drink Becks

When Scholes scores;   I drink Skol

When Kenny Miller scores;   I drink Millers


I thank God David Seaman was a Goalie!!!





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I Have Nothing to Offer but Blood


An Arab needed a heart transplant; prior to the surgery his surgeons ensured that ample supplies of the patient's blood was available.

The Arab had a rare type of blood which was not available locally. An urgent call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a large box of expensive chocolates.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied : "Ya habibi !!,I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?




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Quotes from Modern Programming Experts


1. "There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."
- C.A.R. Hoare

2. "Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
- Martin Golding

3. "Most good programmers do programming not because they expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but because it is fun to program."
- Linus Torvalds

4. "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament]: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
- Charles Babbage

5. "To iterate is human, to recurse divine."
- L. Peter Deutsch

6. "The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late."
- Seymour Cray

7. "Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves."
- Alan Kay

8. "Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris."
- Larry Wall

9. "First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack."
- George Carrette

10. "People think that computer science is the art of geniuses but the actual reality is the opposite, just many people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of mini stones."
- Donald Knuth

11. "Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it."
- Brian W. Kernighan.

12. "Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight."
- Bill Gates

13. "Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code."
- Christopher Thompson

14. "I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!"
- Vidiu Platon.

15. "Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success."
- Tom DeMarco

16. "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it."
- Donald E. Knuth.

17. "If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, 'We're sorry, here's a coupon for two more.' "
- Mark Minasi

18. "The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability."
- Randall E. Stross

19. "Learning to program has no more to do with designing interactive software than learning to touch type has to do with writing poetry"
- Ted Nelson

20. "I invented the term 'Object-Oriented', and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay

21. "It is easier to port a shell than a shell script."
- Larry Wall

22. "Perl - The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption."
- Keith Bostic

23. "Programming is like kicking yourself in the face, sooner or later your nose will bleed."
- Kyle Woodbury

24. "PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals."
- Jon Ribbens

25. "You can't have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families."
- Jim McCarthy

26. "In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not."
- Yoggi Berra

27. "C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success."
- Dennis M. Ritchie.

28. "Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

29. "Talk is cheap. Show me the code."
- Linus Torvalds

30. "Python's a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck."
- Cory Dodt

31. "Good design adds value faster than it adds cost."
- Thomas C. Gale

32. "The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language."
- Ron Sercely

33. "When someone says: 'I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done', give him a lollipop."
- Alan J. Perlis

34. "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
- Blair P. Houghton.

35. "For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match."
- Bill Bryson

36. "FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer."
- Alan J. Perlis.

37. "In the one and only true way. The object-oriented version of 'Spaghetti code' is, of course, 'Lasagna code'. (Too many layers)."
- Roberto Waltman.

38. "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense."
- E.W. Dijkstra

39. "Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline."
- Bill Clinton

40. "Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like."
- pixadel

41. "I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing."
- Oktal

42. "Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job."
- Mosher's Law of Software Engineering

43. "Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter."
- Eric S. Raymond

44. "I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone."
- Bjarne Stroustrup

45. "A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors."
- Waldi Ravens.

46. "A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant."
- Alan J. Perlis.

47. "They don't make bugs like Bunny anymore."
- Olav Mjelde.

48. "Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen."
- Edward V Berard

49. "Lisp isn't a language, it's a building material."
- Alan Kay.

50. "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning."
- Rick Cook















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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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