Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 07:08:41 

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A Birthday Present for My Son

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each ! ! !

Bollox to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

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Have You Tried this on a Debt Collector?

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this James Darwin?"

This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"

The debt collector said he was with The ATM Credit Card Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew James personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."

I then turned back to the phone and advised the debt collector that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The debt collector was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My better half asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.

This could be the start of something fun!

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Five Short Jokes

  1. If you're anxious and you know it...
    Clasp your hands.

  2. A defense attorney was in recovery after open heart surgery.
    He woke up to a bright beautiful morning and saw that the blinds were closed tight and he asked the nurse why?
    The nurse replied, "late last night the building across the street burned down, a complete loss. We didn't want you to wake up, see the flames, and assume that the surgery was a failure."

  3. Did you here about the big paddle sale at the boat store?
    Everyone said it was quite an oar deal!

  4. You’ll never see me buying Evian water.
    I’m not stupid, it’s 'naive’ backwards.
    I buy the slightly cheaper Dosyllis instead.
    I think it’s Greek.

  5. My mates been having an affair with a goldsmith but he had to call it off.
    He couldn't stand the gilt.

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A Sign of True Love and Affection

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...

Done my part!!!

Contributor: Claude

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Three Drunks Fall into a Taxi

The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.

The first guy gave him money, second guy said thanks, but the third guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car hadn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked.

Don't drive so bloody fast next time, you almost killed us.

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Jokes for Men

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

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Getting Dressed After Kindergarten

Everyone who has ever helped a child to get dressed will love this one :)

Way down in the heat of Texas there was a teacher helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why...

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet...

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

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Paddy Murphy's Wife Was Having a Baby

Paddy had been waiting patiently for two hours in the the maternity hospital. Eventually he picked up the internal phone and called the doctor saying, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy. What's the latest news on my wife"?

The doctor answered, "You're the father of a fine baby boy but hold on because it's not all over yet".

After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy. What's the news on my wife"?

The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl but hold on because it's not all over yet".

After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy, what's the latest news"?

The doctor answered, "You're the father of triplets - two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night".

So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guinness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily and called the doctor at the hospital - or thought he did.

Actually Paddy misdialed and got the local cricket club instead. Paddy asked, "Hello, this is Paddy Murphy, what's the news on my wife"?

The voice on the other end of the line replied, "All out for a hundred and one and the last one out was a duck".

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Sms Sent from a Bar

"Hi Darling,

I'm just having my last drink. I'll be home in about half hour.

If I'm not back by then - just read this SMS again".

Contributor: Terry Herbert (HAH)

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Cheers to the Footballers when They Score

When Beckham scores;   I drink Becks

When Scholes scores;   I drink Skol

When Kenny Miller scores;   I drink Millers

I thank God David Seaman was a Goalie!!!

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Old Jokes   169    170    171    172  173  174    175    176    177   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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