Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:27:08 

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Sex On Venus

It's the year 2069, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Venus. While surveying Venus they find evidence of "life as we know it" and land to make First Contact.

Sure enough, there's a race of advanced beings there and the two races exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.

"How do you reproduce?" one of the Earthling NASA astronauts asks.

The Venusians are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up and starts running around looking for its first meal.

"Amazing!" exclaim the Earthlings.

"So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it" ask the aliens?

The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Venusians are rapt with interested attention.

When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. "Where is the child" they ask? "Or was the mating a failure"?

"Well", says the commander, "we don't find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn't show up for nine months after conception".

"Nine months" asks the incredulous alien leader? "Then why were they in such a hurry at the end"?


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Little Johnny's Teacher and the Word Perhaps

The teacher says, "Okay class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."

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Emergency Call - 911

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn ...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

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Ten Questions from the Sexy School Girl

I stopped by a booth at the local school fair that was doing marketing research.

The sexy, young researcher asked me, "Do you mind if I ask you 10 short questions"?"

I repied, "Not at all".

"OK", she answered, "question One: Have you ever suffered from blackouts"?

"NEVER", I said.

"OK", was her response. "And finally, Question #10"...

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Litlle Johnny at the Super-market

Little Johnny was at the local supermarket with his parents.

Little Johnny, got tired of walking, so his Dad let Little Johnny sit on his shoulders. As they walked Little Johnny started pulling his Dad's hair.

His Dad asked Little Johnny to stop numerous times but he kept on. Eventually Little Johnny's Dad got really annoyed and said, "Son Stop that immediately!"

"But, Daddy", Little Johnny replied, "I'm just trying to get my chewing-gum back".

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Five Sales People

Five sales people, John, Peter, Harry, George, and Margaret, meet at the water cooler.

John: "I had three fantastic meetings today, man they were great! "

Peter: "I managed to crank out 85 calls! "

Harry: " I mass emailed over 4500 prospects! "

George: "I put together and sent out over 200 new info kits to new prospects in my territory. "

Margaret: "I didn't sell anything either. "

Moral of the story: Nothing matters in sales but results. All the good intentions or activities mean nothing unless you are able to produce.

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The Green Thing

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained,

"We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But they didn't have the green thing back in that customer's day. In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.

But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day. Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then. They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But they didn't have the green thing back then. Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

Contributor: Terry H

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American Movie Rating System Explained

G : Nobody gets the girl.

PG : The Good Guy Gets The Girl.

R : The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.

X : Everybody Gets The Girl.

XXX : Everybody gets the girl, her mother, her sister, her father, and her father's boyfriend.

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Osama Bin Laden Meets a Female Genie of the Lamp

Osama Bin Laden was crossing an old bomb site, kicked some left over debris and found an tarnished brass lamp. Would you believe he rubbed the lamp and Lo' and behold a female genie appeared.

" How may I serve you, Master" she inquired?

Osama was not impressed. "Don't need anything from a female" he said.

"But Master, I have to grant you a wish or I will be forever banished and be confined in the lamp! Please!! Isn't there something I can get you"?

"All right!", snapped Osama., "tomorrow morning, I want to find three American women in bed with me, ready to do what they do best! Now, get lost"!!!

"Your wish is my command" said the genie and she disappeared; making no sound and not even a flash!

The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton in bed with him; his penis was gone, his leg was broken and he had no Medical Insurance.

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Secuity Alert - Airport Shut

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car".

Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

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