Monday 27th May 2019 - 21:08:07 

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There Was this Lonely Old Lady Who...


A little old lady named Hannah checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages".

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled bottom...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She give him a call.

"Good evening, Ma'am, how may I help you"? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound"?

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line".


Contributor: Mike


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Ten Reasons the Economy is So Bad


1. A picture is now only worth 300 words.

2. I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

3. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

4. I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

5. I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

6. It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street".

7. Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

8. Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.

9. A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.


Did you notice there's only 9 of them... bl@@dy recession is scaling down everything.



updates...


'the Mafia is laying off judges.

'McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

'you get a free car with a tank of petrol.

'Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.

'that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

'I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

'kid behind the McDonald's counter asked "Can you afford fries with that"?

'that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.


Contributor: Claude


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One Liners from Sunny


Q: I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in?
A: Cheque books she said.


Q: The easiest way to make your old car run better?
A: Check the prices of new car.


Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.


Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!


Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.


Q: What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary?
A: One says "Good morning, boss". The other says "It's morning, boss."


* Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.


* Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.


Contributor: Sunny


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Once Upon a Time


There lived a king who had a beautiful daughter, his beautiful princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt!

Because of this, men were afraid of her and no one would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured".

The king was overjoyed.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

What was the object in the prince's pants?

They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!


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What Comes Around Goes Around


A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenage son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her".

"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things happen".

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms".

"That's unfortunate".

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife".

"Oh crap," said the doc, "That means we *all* have it".


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Only in Texas Visits Niagara

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.

I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water & Power".

While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas"?

He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."


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Sex On Venus


It's the year 2069, and NASA finally manages to get a manned mission to Venus. While surveying Venus they find evidence of "life as we know it" and land to make First Contact.

Sure enough, there's a race of advanced beings there and the two races exchange huge amounts of information. Inevitably, the questions turn to sex.

"How do you reproduce?" one of the Earthling NASA astronauts asks.

The Venusians are pleased to demonstrate. Two of them get together and touch tentacles in a special way. A moment later a sac appears on one of them, grows to the size of a basketball, and breaks open. A tiny tentacled baby pops out and falls to the ground, jumps up and starts running around looking for its first meal.

"Amazing!" exclaim the Earthlings.

"So will you give us a demonstration of how you do it" ask the aliens?

The Earthlings can hardly refuse, so the commander asks for volunteers and a couple steps forward and demonstrates Earthly delights. The Venusians are rapt with interested attention.

When the couple finishes, however, the aliens are confused. "Where is the child" they ask? "Or was the mating a failure"?

"Well", says the commander, "we don't find out right away. If it was successful, it takes a month or two to find out, and the baby doesn't show up for nine months after conception".

"Nine months" asks the incredulous alien leader? "Then why were they in such a hurry at the end"?


Source: JumboJokes.com


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Little Johnny's Teacher and the Word Perhaps

The teacher says, "Okay class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."


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Emergency Call - 911

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn ...I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.


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Ten Questions from the Sexy School Girl

I stopped by a booth at the local school fair that was doing marketing research.

The sexy, young researcher asked me, "Do you mind if I ask you 10 short questions"?"

I repied, "Not at all".

"OK", she answered, "question One: Have you ever suffered from blackouts"?

"NEVER", I said.

"OK", was her response. "And finally, Question #10"...





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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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