Thursday 5th November 2020 - 00:23:37 

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Fitness and Health Observations

1. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. If walking and/or cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

...and you want me to exercsise????????????

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A Texan's Answer to Welfare

There are many genuine people who are totally unable to work ' need government assistance. This isn't for them. This is for those I recently heard called "government handout addicts".

Put me in charge of :

Get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice, beans, cheese ' all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak ' frozen pizza, then get a job.

Get women birth control ' men condoms (for free). Test recipients for drugs, alcohol, ' nicotine, document all tattoos ' piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings; then get a job.

Ever live in military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Either present a check stub from a job weekly or report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting ' repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.. We will sell your 22 inch rims ' low profile tires, your blasting stereo ' speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Realize that all of this is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules... Before you say this would be "demeaning" and ruin "self esteem," consider that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing is demeaning and lowers self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices, instead of rewarding them for continuing to make bad choices.

And while on Govt subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct.
It would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Govt welfare check. If you want to vote then get a job.

Maybe from: Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX

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A Few Short Jokes

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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Will We Ever Need this

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life"?

The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's"!

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Just Got an Sms


I am afraid I am unable 2 answer my mobile phone at the moment but if u leave me a message,The News of the World will email it 2 me later!

Contributor: Phil & Debbie

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A Guy Was Playing Golf One Day

...and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again..

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on. " She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. " Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper...

Contributor: Howard

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Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Talk about freakin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder........

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months,I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, and I shot her.

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A Birthday Wish for My Son

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother", the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish", said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well", said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog".

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There Was this Lonely Old Lady Who...

A little old lady named Hannah checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages".

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled bottom...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She give him a call.

"Good evening, Ma'am, how may I help you"? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound"?

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line".

Contributor: Mike

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Ten Reasons the Economy is So Bad

1. A picture is now only worth 300 words.

2. I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.

3. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

4. I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.

5. I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

6. It's so bad, they renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street".

7. Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.

8. Even people who aren't in Barack Obama's cabinet aren't paying taxes.

9. A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.

Did you notice there's only 9 of them... bl@@dy recession is scaling down everything.


'the Mafia is laying off judges.

'McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

'you get a free car with a tank of petrol.

'Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.

'that 7 of 10 houses on Sesame Street are in foreclosure.

'I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border to Mexico.

'kid behind the McDonald's counter asked "Can you afford fries with that"?

'that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

Contributor: Claude

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Old Jokes   172    173    174    175  176  177    178    179    180   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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