Monday 9th December 2019 - 12:02:07 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


A Near Miss for the Pedestrian

A pedestrian stepped off the curb to cross the street and a car suddenly came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him. He started to run, trying to get out of the way but the car changed lanes and was still coming at him.

He turned around to go back to the curb but the car changed lanes again and was heading right for him. As the car approached, the man became so frightened that he froze and stopped in the middle of the road.

At the last possible moment, the car swerved and screeched to a halt right beside him.

The window rolled down and he was amazed to see that the driver was a large squirrel!

The squirrel looked him up and down and said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it"?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


The American Constitution


They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Fitness and Health Observations



1. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. If walking and/or cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.



...and you want me to exercsise????????????






Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Texan's Answer to Welfare

There are many genuine people who are totally unable to work ' need government assistance. This isn't for them. This is for those I recently heard called "government handout addicts".

Put me in charge of :

FOOD STAMPS:
Get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice, beans, cheese ' all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak ' frozen pizza, then get a job.

MEDICAID:
Get women birth control ' men condoms (for free). Test recipients for drugs, alcohol, ' nicotine, document all tattoos ' piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings; then get a job.

GOVERNMENT HOUSING:
Ever live in military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Either present a check stub from a job weekly or report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting ' repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.. We will sell your 22 inch rims ' low profile tires, your blasting stereo ' speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Realize that all of this is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules... Before you say this would be "demeaning" and ruin "self esteem," consider that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing is demeaning and lowers self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices, instead of rewarding them for continuing to make bad choices.

And while on Govt subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct.
It would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Govt welfare check. If you want to vote then get a job.




Maybe from: Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX




Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Few Short Jokes

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?


A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Will We Ever Need this


It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life"?

The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Just Got an Sms

Hi,

I am afraid I am unable 2 answer my mobile phone at the moment but if u leave me a message,The News of the World will email it 2 me later!



Contributor: Phil & Debbie


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Guy Was Playing Golf One Day


...and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.."

He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again..

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on. " She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13. " Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".

He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper...




Contributor: Howard


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

Talk about freakin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder........

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months,I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, and I shot her.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Birthday Wish for My Son


A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. "I'd like a little brother", the boy said.

"Oh my, that's such a big wish", said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother"?

"Well", said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   172    173    174    175  176  177    178    179    180   Latest


Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 3.215.182.36 / 824,688Mb / 12:02:07 / 200 / No Errors