Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 02:41:04 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Facebook is Like...

...a funny farm

we're all living there.

We're sitting alone and stare at the screen fantasizing about being social.

Some got imaginary farms, cities, animals and things.

We poke each other and thinks that's OK.

We even write on the walls!

If you are here for treatment, write this on your wall!

I got this from another patient...

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A New Way to Beat Alcohol Limit Issues While Driving

I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks. Knowing that I was way over the limit I did decided to do something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and sound, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

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Saved by a Professional

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this". She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me"! But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car"?

The biker said, "Sure". He then walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man".

"The biker replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour".

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!"

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Drug Overdose

A few years ago, while I was part of a drug study.

I suffered an accidental placebo overdose.

I nearly died from a severe lack of symptoms.

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A Near Miss for the Pedestrian

A pedestrian stepped off the curb to cross the street and a car suddenly came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him. He started to run, trying to get out of the way but the car changed lanes and was still coming at him.

He turned around to go back to the curb but the car changed lanes again and was heading right for him. As the car approached, the man became so frightened that he froze and stopped in the middle of the road.

At the last possible moment, the car swerved and screeched to a halt right beside him.

The window rolled down and he was amazed to see that the driver was a large squirrel!

The squirrel looked him up and down and said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it"?

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The American Constitution

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

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Fitness and Health Observations

1. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. If walking and/or cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

...and you want me to exercsise????????????

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A Texan's Answer to Welfare

There are many genuine people who are totally unable to work ' need government assistance. This isn't for them. This is for those I recently heard called "government handout addicts".

Put me in charge of :

Get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice, beans, cheese ' all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak ' frozen pizza, then get a job.

Get women birth control ' men condoms (for free). Test recipients for drugs, alcohol, ' nicotine, document all tattoos ' piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings; then get a job.

Ever live in military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

Either present a check stub from a job weekly or report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting ' repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.. We will sell your 22 inch rims ' low profile tires, your blasting stereo ' speakers and put that money toward the common good.

Realize that all of this is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules... Before you say this would be "demeaning" and ruin "self esteem," consider that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing is demeaning and lowers self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices, instead of rewarding them for continuing to make bad choices.

And while on Govt subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes that is correct.
It would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Govt welfare check. If you want to vote then get a job.

Maybe from: Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX

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A Few Short Jokes

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."

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Will We Ever Need this

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: "Will we ever need this stuff in real life"?

The professor gently smiles at him and says: "Of course not - if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at MacDonald's"!

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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