Friday 13th December 2019 - 07:39:45 

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The Number One Rule of a Pest Exterminating Company


The first rule of the company is that each evening a service technician has to phone the household and confirm the following days appointments.

One evening a call was made and a man answered the phone. The technician said, "Hi, this is Henry from Acme Pest Control we have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow."

There was a long silence and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."


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Mathematics Test


Joe walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad", said Joe, "Remember when you told me you'd give me 20 dollars if I passed my math test"?

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you 20 bucks".


and another

Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Sam: Well, at least you could try.




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My Mum Says They Have Teeth

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"



Contributor: Howard


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The Handsome Supermarket Bag Boy


A lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy."

He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!


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Do All Teenagers Telephone Like this


A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour and then she hung up.

"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number..." replied his daughter.


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Would You Have Given her 'the Finger'

A man who knows the odds

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid', I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway..

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing..

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Next time you'd better think twice before giving her the finger :)


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Two Vermonters Are Drinking in a Bar.


One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"


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Facebook is Like...

...a funny farm

we're all living there.

We're sitting alone and stare at the screen fantasizing about being social.

Some got imaginary farms, cities, animals and things.

We poke each other and thinks that's OK.

We even write on the walls!

If you are here for treatment, write this on your wall!

I got this from another patient...



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A New Way to Beat Alcohol Limit Issues While Driving


I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks. Knowing that I was way over the limit I did decided to do something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and sound, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.


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Saved by a Professional


A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this". She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me"! But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car"?

The biker said, "Sure". He then walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man".

"The biker replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour".

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!"


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