Friday 23rd August 2019 - 09:20:30 

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25 Reasons Selling is Better Than Sex

  1. You find new partners daily and not feel sleazy.

  2. Being "friends with benefits" is par for the course.

  3. You can enjoy selling to customers of all shapes and sizes.

  4. You get paid commensurate with the quality of your performance.

  5. You never need a little blue pill in order to start selling.

  6. You can still find customers even if you're old or ugly.

  7. The more you sell, the easier it becomes to sell even more.

  8. If you're successful, you don't end up paying child support.

  9. You can post your wins on a website and not get a letter from a lawyer.

  10. Existing customers don't get jealous when you close a new prospect.

  11. As a role model, Zig Ziglar isn't creepy like Hugh Hefner.

  12. You're far less likely to catch a social disease.

  13. Nobody complains if you close the deal in under a minute.

  14. There are few, if any, religious taboos against selling.

  15. You can take a multitude of sales positions and never pull a muscle.

  16. You don't end up all sweaty after you close the deal.

  17. Selling is as good over the phone as in person. Maybe better.

  18. After you sell, you never have to stay the night.

  19. At the end of the act, both participants are usually happy.

  20. Nobody gets jealous when you ask for a referral.

  21. Nobody complains that your portfolio is too small.

  22. Make a big score and your CEO might tout it at the company meeting.

  23. If you're good enough, you can sell a hundred times a day.

  24. You don't get fired for reading Sales Machine at work.

  25. After you close the sale, you don't have to sleep on the wet spot.


Contributor: http://www.bnet.com/blog/salesmachine/24-reasons-selling-is-better-than-sex/17252?promo=808&tag=nl.e808





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Airport Security Check

I was booked to fly to Germany to see my husband who is serving in the Army.

When I checked in at the airpor the ticket agent asked me the standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself"?

I told him my mother-in-law had given me a parcel for her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you"?




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Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span"

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.


Contributor: Claude


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I Would Like Coffee Please

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.

Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "...and to drink" she asked?

The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my G~d; I am so sorry"!

"That's OK", the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, was this regular or decaf"?

"Regular" she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night"!


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5 Steps to Survive a Boring Meeting


  • This is guaranteed to liven up a boring meeting!
  • Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?
  • What about those long and boring conference calls?
  • Here's a way to change all that:


Before (or during) your next meeting,seminar, or conference call:

  1. Prepare for the meeting by drawing a square - 5 x 5 is a good size.
  2. Divide the square into columns - five across and five down.
  3. In each block, write one of the following words or phrases:
  4. Whenever you hear any one of those words or phrases, check off the appropriate block.
  5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically,or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"



synergy   |   strategic fit   |   core competencies   |   best practice   |   bottom line
revisit   |   take that off-line   |   24/7   |   out of the loop   |   benchmark
value added   |   proactive   |   win-win   |   think outside the box   |   fast track
result-driven   |   empower(ment)   |   knowledge base   |   at the end of the day   |   touch base
mindset   |   client focus(ed)   |   ballpark   |   game plan   |   leverage



Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won.

My attention span at meetings has improved drastically.

What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me.

The atmosphere was tense in our last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box.

The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT! for the third time in two hours.




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Are You Prepared for this Winter


The Government have issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Tyre Chains
Torch or lantern with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty Petrol Can
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads

I took all their advice and I looked a right plonker on the bus this morning !!!!!!


Contributor: Howard


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E-bay Help


Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

I put in a $7 bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I'm only nineteen minutes away from owning Obama, his entire Cabinet, and both houses of Congress.


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There Was a Guy in the Bar Drooling over a Pretty Young Thing

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored icebreaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last" she asked?

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied



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Why Wax is Not your Friend


CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! (And I feel it too!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek.

(Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!!

Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!!

Everything is swirly and spotted.

I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which i s now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!!!!

I hear the slamming of a cell door.

"hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!

I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!! RIGHT! !!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color.... Now thats funny...... Notttt.

Contributor: Laurie



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A Minister, Priest and a Rabbi Were Skinny Dipping

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach.

Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize'.




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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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