Wednesday 4th November 2020 - 15:09:24 

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Brilliant Idea for Ebay

I've been watching that show 'Cash in the Attic' and it gave me some real inspiration.

I've been upstairs, brought a load of stuff down, flogged it on eBay and made a fortune.

The old biddy in the flat above me isn't too happy, though...

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A Goaner About Penny the Saleslady

Penny was a hard working, conscientious saleslady, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she doubled her cold calls, polished her presentations and increased her commissions until finally, one day she had scrimped and saved enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruse liner, first class all the way. The cruise itself started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke, throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that very moment to tilt to the left. As a result Penny was thrown overboard. A cry of help was immediately raised. Life preservers were thrown overboard and a steward with a rope tied securely around him, jumped in to rescue Penny. After about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her lifeless body aboard, the ship's crew soon realized they were too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally they would have done a burial at sea, but Penny was a very conscientious saleswoman, and had a written will. In it, she had specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled.

Moral of the story. A Penny saved is a Penny urned.

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Police in Costa Brava

...have recovered the arm of a shark attack victim Johnny Spencer it was identified by a tattoo that said

"Newcastle for the League 2011/12"

In a statement a police spokesman commented " not even a shark would swallow that"/

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Why Good Women Are Hard to Find

While creating women, God promised men that good, faithful and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round...

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You Cannot Take It with You

A man with a suitcase is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at the man, and says "You will not need your old clothes here, everything is provided and nothing is required".

"Oh no you don't, "says the man, "I fought long and hard to bring this along, and I will not be parted with it"!

St. Peter is intrigued. "What could be so important, that you would carry it all the way to heaven"?

"THESE!", says the man and opens the case to display 4 large gold bars!

St. Peter is stunned! "You brought pavement"?

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Harry the Painter

Did you hear about the painter called Harry?

He was very renowned for making a dime wherever he could, he would often thin the paint down to make it go a tiny bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. As luck would happen, a church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Harry put in a bid and he got the job because of his low very tender.

So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, buying the paint and yes, true to form he once again thinned down his paint with the turpentine.

Well, Harry was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder and the sky opened pouring rain down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and Harry fell off the scaffold and landed on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Harry was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh God! Please forgive me! What can I do"?

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more"!

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25 Reasons Selling is Better Than Sex

  1. You find new partners daily and not feel sleazy.

  2. Being "friends with benefits" is par for the course.

  3. You can enjoy selling to customers of all shapes and sizes.

  4. You get paid commensurate with the quality of your performance.

  5. You never need a little blue pill in order to start selling.

  6. You can still find customers even if you're old or ugly.

  7. The more you sell, the easier it becomes to sell even more.

  8. If you're successful, you don't end up paying child support.

  9. You can post your wins on a website and not get a letter from a lawyer.

  10. Existing customers don't get jealous when you close a new prospect.

  11. As a role model, Zig Ziglar isn't creepy like Hugh Hefner.

  12. You're far less likely to catch a social disease.

  13. Nobody complains if you close the deal in under a minute.

  14. There are few, if any, religious taboos against selling.

  15. You can take a multitude of sales positions and never pull a muscle.

  16. You don't end up all sweaty after you close the deal.

  17. Selling is as good over the phone as in person. Maybe better.

  18. After you sell, you never have to stay the night.

  19. At the end of the act, both participants are usually happy.

  20. Nobody gets jealous when you ask for a referral.

  21. Nobody complains that your portfolio is too small.

  22. Make a big score and your CEO might tout it at the company meeting.

  23. If you're good enough, you can sell a hundred times a day.

  24. You don't get fired for reading Sales Machine at work.

  25. After you close the sale, you don't have to sleep on the wet spot.


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Airport Security Check

I was booked to fly to Germany to see my husband who is serving in the Army.

When I checked in at the airpor the ticket agent asked me the standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself"?

I told him my mother-in-law had given me a parcel for her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked, "Does she like you"?

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Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span"

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Contributor: Claude

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I Would Like Coffee Please

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself.

Soon, the waitress came over to take his order. "...and to drink" she asked?

The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my G~d; I am so sorry"!

"That's OK", the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, was this regular or decaf"?

"Regular" she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night"!

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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