Thursday 18th July 2019 - 23:05:44 

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How to Be a Really Nice Guy

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible" she said?

Being the nice guy I am, I thought "Darn it, I'll treat her"!

So we walked past it again...


Contributor: Terry H


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The Defendant's Testimony


"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"


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An English Tourist in Cardigan, Wales


George, an English visitor to the small Welsh town of Aberaeron, Cardiganshire, was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.

'Wouldn't that be a little pointless' replied George politely, 'after all, your services are held in Welsh and I don't understand the language'?

'Ah yes, boyo,' answered the deacon, 'but the collection is in English'.


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Women - Discretion Vs Logic

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your skirt is blowing up in this high wind"?

"Yes, I know", said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto my hat".

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and just about everything can be seen" said the gentleman earnestly!

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. The hat is new. I only bought it yesterday"!



Contributor: Terry H


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Brilliant Idea for Ebay


I've been watching that show 'Cash in the Attic' and it gave me some real inspiration.

I've been upstairs, brought a load of stuff down, flogged it on eBay and made a fortune.

The old biddy in the flat above me isn't too happy, though...


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A Goaner About Penny the Saleslady

Penny was a hard working, conscientious saleslady, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she doubled her cold calls, polished her presentations and increased her commissions until finally, one day she had scrimped and saved enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruse liner, first class all the way. The cruise itself started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke, throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that very moment to tilt to the left. As a result Penny was thrown overboard. A cry of help was immediately raised. Life preservers were thrown overboard and a steward with a rope tied securely around him, jumped in to rescue Penny. After about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her lifeless body aboard, the ship's crew soon realized they were too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally they would have done a burial at sea, but Penny was a very conscientious saleswoman, and had a written will. In it, she had specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled.

Moral of the story. A Penny saved is a Penny urned.


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Police in Costa Brava



...have recovered the arm of a shark attack victim Johnny Spencer it was identified by a tattoo that said

"Newcastle for the League 2011/12"


In a statement a police spokesman commented " not even a shark would swallow that"/



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Why Good Women Are Hard to Find


While creating women, God promised men that good, faithful and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round...


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You Cannot Take It with You

A man with a suitcase is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at the man, and says "You will not need your old clothes here, everything is provided and nothing is required".

"Oh no you don't, "says the man, "I fought long and hard to bring this along, and I will not be parted with it"!

St. Peter is intrigued. "What could be so important, that you would carry it all the way to heaven"?

"THESE!", says the man and opens the case to display 4 large gold bars!

St. Peter is stunned! "You brought pavement"?


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Harry the Painter

Did you hear about the painter called Harry?

He was very renowned for making a dime wherever he could, he would often thin the paint down to make it go a tiny bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. As luck would happen, a church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Harry put in a bid and he got the job because of his low very tender.

So he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, buying the paint and yes, true to form he once again thinned down his paint with the turpentine.

Well, Harry was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder and the sky opened pouring rain down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and Harry fell off the scaffold and landed on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Harry was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh God! Please forgive me! What can I do"?

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more"!


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The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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