Tuesday 7th July 2020 - 17:03:45 

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Why I Am Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said "lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!!!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc....I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

We're all screwed!!!!!

Contributor: Claude

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How to Be a Really Nice Guy

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible" she said?

Being the nice guy I am, I thought "Darn it, I'll treat her"!

So we walked past it again...

Contributor: Terry H

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The Defendant's Testimony

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

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An English Tourist in Cardigan, Wales

George, an English visitor to the small Welsh town of Aberaeron, Cardiganshire, was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.

'Wouldn't that be a little pointless' replied George politely, 'after all, your services are held in Welsh and I don't understand the language'?

'Ah yes, boyo,' answered the deacon, 'but the collection is in English'.

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Women - Discretion Vs Logic

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam... I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your skirt is blowing up in this high wind"?

"Yes, I know", said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto my hat".

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and just about everything can be seen" said the gentleman earnestly!

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. The hat is new. I only bought it yesterday"!

Contributor: Terry H

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Brilliant Idea for Ebay

I've been watching that show 'Cash in the Attic' and it gave me some real inspiration.

I've been upstairs, brought a load of stuff down, flogged it on eBay and made a fortune.

The old biddy in the flat above me isn't too happy, though...

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A Goaner About Penny the Saleslady

Penny was a hard working, conscientious saleslady, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she doubled her cold calls, polished her presentations and increased her commissions until finally, one day she had scrimped and saved enough money to go on her ocean cruise.

She booked passage on a cruse liner, first class all the way. The cruise itself started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke, throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that very moment to tilt to the left. As a result Penny was thrown overboard. A cry of help was immediately raised. Life preservers were thrown overboard and a steward with a rope tied securely around him, jumped in to rescue Penny. After about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her lifeless body aboard, the ship's crew soon realized they were too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally they would have done a burial at sea, but Penny was a very conscientious saleswoman, and had a written will. In it, she had specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel.

Her wishes were fulfilled.

Moral of the story. A Penny saved is a Penny urned.

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Police in Costa Brava

...have recovered the arm of a shark attack victim Johnny Spencer it was identified by a tattoo that said

"Newcastle for the League 2011/12"

In a statement a police spokesman commented " not even a shark would swallow that"/

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Why Good Women Are Hard to Find

While creating women, God promised men that good, faithful and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round...

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You Cannot Take It with You

A man with a suitcase is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at the man, and says "You will not need your old clothes here, everything is provided and nothing is required".

"Oh no you don't, "says the man, "I fought long and hard to bring this along, and I will not be parted with it"!

St. Peter is intrigued. "What could be so important, that you would carry it all the way to heaven"?

"THESE!", says the man and opens the case to display 4 large gold bars!

St. Peter is stunned! "You brought pavement"?

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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