Friday 13th December 2019 - 08:05:48 

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Today My Doctor asked Me


...what I did yesterday, I told him about my all about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake",

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man"!

"No", I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer".


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Is It with or Without a Dash



A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'.


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Compliments that Get Surprising Results


Wife to husband: "How would you describe me"?

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean"?

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

"Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K"?

"I'm Just Kidding".


Services are on Tuesday and the burial is Wednesday.


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Thibodeaux Takes a Trip to Paris

Thibodeaux, a furniture dealer from downtown New Iberia, LA decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Europe to see what he could find.

He arrived in Paris in early morning, but had an afternoon appointment with the furniture maker, so he decided to visit a small bistro during his wait.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in German (which Thibodeaux couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe near-by that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered lunch.... After which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

Thibodeaux never had so much fun!

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, which reminded Thibodeaux of his appointment, so he abruptly left.

To this day Thibodeaux still has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
_____________________


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The Profound Logic of Children




HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you have known the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8


And the #1  Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10




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Why Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

SO, send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.




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Why I Am Depressed



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said "lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!!!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc....I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....

We're all screwed!!!!!


Contributor: Claude


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How to Be a Really Nice Guy

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible" she said?

Being the nice guy I am, I thought "Darn it, I'll treat her"!

So we walked past it again...


Contributor: Terry H


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The Defendant's Testimony


"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"


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An English Tourist in Cardigan, Wales


George, an English visitor to the small Welsh town of Aberaeron, Cardiganshire, was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.

'Wouldn't that be a little pointless' replied George politely, 'after all, your services are held in Welsh and I don't understand the language'?

'Ah yes, boyo,' answered the deacon, 'but the collection is in English'.


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

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