Sunday 28th June 2020 - 16:27:00 

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Can You Picture a Slice of Pizza in the Stomach

...waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there"?

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really" responds the pizza? "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

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The Magic of Slot Machines

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me", I said to a casino employee. "How does this work"?

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out" I asked?

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM".

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Words of Wisdom or Basic Truth

  1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving

  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee

  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

  5. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  6. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

  7. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  8. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you

  9. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

  10. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

  11. Man: Is there any way for long life?
    Dr: Get married.
    Man: Will it help?
    Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come to mind any more

  12. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
    It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

  13. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
    Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

  14. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged Marriage.
    It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

  15. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

  16. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter !

Contributor: Chuck M

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Six Favorite Could Nots

Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.

Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

CPU is always in powersave mode.

CPU not connected to the bus.

Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)

Cranio-rectally inverted.

Cunning as a dodo bird.

Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.

Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.

Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.

...any more to add?

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Today My Doctor asked Me

...what I did yesterday, I told him about my all about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake",

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man"!

"No", I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer".

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Is It with or Without a Dash

A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'.

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Compliments that Get Surprising Results

Wife to husband: "How would you describe me"?

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean"?

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

"Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K"?

"I'm Just Kidding".

Services are on Tuesday and the burial is Wednesday.

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Thibodeaux Takes a Trip to Paris

Thibodeaux, a furniture dealer from downtown New Iberia, LA decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Europe to see what he could find.

He arrived in Paris in early morning, but had an afternoon appointment with the furniture maker, so he decided to visit a small bistro during his wait.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in German (which Thibodeaux couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe near-by that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered lunch.... After which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

Thibodeaux never had so much fun!

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, which reminded Thibodeaux of his appointment, so he abruptly left.

To this day Thibodeaux still has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

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The Profound Logic of Children

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

Twenty-three is the best age because you have known the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

And the #1  Favorite is........"

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

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Why Men Are Just Happier People

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

SO, send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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