Thursday 20th June 2019 - 04:00:33 

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A Joke from South Africa

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a Baboon lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughed and asked "Did you give it the last rites"?

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".




Thanks go to Terry H for this one :)




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Can You Picture a Slice of Pizza in the Stomach



...waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there"?

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really" responds the pizza? "I think I'll go up there and take a look".




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The Magic of Slot Machines

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me", I said to a casino employee. "How does this work"?

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out" I asked?

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM".




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Words of Wisdom or Basic Truth


  1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving

  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee

  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

  5. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  6. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

  7. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  8. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you

  9. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

  10. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

  11. Man: Is there any way for long life?
    Dr: Get married.
    Man: Will it help?
    Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come to mind any more

  12. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
    It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

  13. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
    Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

  14. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged Marriage.
    It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

  15. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

  16. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!



Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter !


Contributor: Chuck M


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Six Favorite Could Nots


Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.


Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.


Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.


Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.


Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.


Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.


CPU is always in powersave mode.


CPU not connected to the bus.


Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)


Cranio-rectally inverted.


Cunning as a dodo bird.


Cursor's flashing but there's no response.


Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.


Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.


Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.



...any more to add?


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Today My Doctor asked Me


...what I did yesterday, I told him about my all about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake",

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoors-man"!

"No", I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer".


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Is It with or Without a Dash



A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was hyphenated.

The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you writing home about!"

The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad about the project we worked so 'hard on'.


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Compliments that Get Surprising Results


Wife to husband: "How would you describe me"?

"You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

"What does that mean"?

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

"Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K"?

"I'm Just Kidding".


Services are on Tuesday and the burial is Wednesday.


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Thibodeaux Takes a Trip to Paris

Thibodeaux, a furniture dealer from downtown New Iberia, LA decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Europe to see what he could find.

He arrived in Paris in early morning, but had an afternoon appointment with the furniture maker, so he decided to visit a small bistro during his wait.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table and asked him something in German (which Thibodeaux couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe near-by that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered lunch.... After which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.

Thibodeaux never had so much fun!

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed, which reminded Thibodeaux of his appointment, so he abruptly left.

To this day Thibodeaux still has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
_____________________


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The Profound Logic of Children




HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you have known the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8


And the #1  Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10




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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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