Saturday 31st October 2020 - 19:17:33 

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The Irish Petrol Station

A man drives in to a Dublin servo and asks for petrol.

The attendant tells him they don't have any petrol.

"Okay", the driver says, "just top up the oil".

"Nope, no oil either", says the attendant.

Annoyed, the driver asks how it can possibly be that a service station has no petrol and no oil.

"Actually, we're just a front for the IRA", replies the attendant.

"Fine then", says the driver, "just blow up the tires".

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Jaws and the Newly Weds

A real estate salesman and his new blonde wife flew to the Bahamas for their honeymoon.

The groom was in the water snorkeling while his new bride was sunbathing on the beach. Suddenly a large shark attacked and took a huge chunk out of the man's upper body. While his new wife watched in horror the man managed to swim to shore.

Lifeguards tried to save his life but unfortunately he had lost way too much blood.

A news crew was dispatched to the scene. The reporter asked one of the lifeguards if the man suffered long.

To which he replied, "No, he was only married for about a week".

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Spotted While on Holiday in India

On holidays at the Games in Delhi India, I saw a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver.

I thought, what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

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Update on Bin Laden - Truth Now Revealed

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.

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The Anniversary Present

An old man promised his wife that he'd take her to see something she wanted to see instead of the usual action-adventure movie for their anniversary, since they rarely went anywhere together. She picked the theatre and the night.

When the show started, he was delighted to find out it was one of those newfangled 3D things. While the movie didn't have any car chases or explosions, he was impressed by how lifelike it all seemed and how everything seemed to move back and forth in front of him. He told his wife that as they were walking back to their car.

She looked at him strangely. "Darling," she said, "we were watching a play. I think it's time to get you new glasses again".

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A Joke from South Africa

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a Baboon lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughed and asked "Did you give it the last rites"?

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

Thanks go to Terry H for this one :)

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Can You Picture a Slice of Pizza in the Stomach

...waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there"?

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really" responds the pizza? "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

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The Magic of Slot Machines

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

"Excuse me", I said to a casino employee. "How does this work"?

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out" I asked?

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM".

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Words of Wisdom or Basic Truth

  1. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving

  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee

  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

  4. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash

  5. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  6. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

  7. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

  8. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you

  9. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

  10. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

  11. Man: Is there any way for long life?
    Dr: Get married.
    Man: Will it help?
    Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come to mind any more

  12. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
    It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

  13. Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
    Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

  14. It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs. Arranged Marriage.
    It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

  15. There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

  16. There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it!

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter !

Contributor: Chuck M

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Six Favorite Could Nots

Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.

Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

CPU is always in powersave mode.

CPU not connected to the bus.

Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)

Cranio-rectally inverted.

Cunning as a dodo bird.

Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.

Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.

Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.

...any more to add?

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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