Tuesday 30th June 2020 - 04:06:22 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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A Tragedy Avoided

While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in, I found her dead on the floor.

In a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.

Then I remembered KFC do an all-day breakfast for $5.99. ..

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Facebook is the Second Most Popular Word

Did you know:

Facebook is the second
most popular word that
starts with "F" and ends
with "K".

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Who Said Poetry Was Boring?

These are entries to a washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line:

  1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

  2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

  3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.

  4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

  5. I thought that I could love no other
    -- that is, until I met your brother.

  6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty, and so is your head.

  7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

  8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

  9. My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

  10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

  11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.

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The Irish Petrol Station

A man drives in to a Dublin servo and asks for petrol.

The attendant tells him they don't have any petrol.

"Okay", the driver says, "just top up the oil".

"Nope, no oil either", says the attendant.

Annoyed, the driver asks how it can possibly be that a service station has no petrol and no oil.

"Actually, we're just a front for the IRA", replies the attendant.

"Fine then", says the driver, "just blow up the tires".

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Jaws and the Newly Weds

A real estate salesman and his new blonde wife flew to the Bahamas for their honeymoon.

The groom was in the water snorkeling while his new bride was sunbathing on the beach. Suddenly a large shark attacked and took a huge chunk out of the man's upper body. While his new wife watched in horror the man managed to swim to shore.

Lifeguards tried to save his life but unfortunately he had lost way too much blood.

A news crew was dispatched to the scene. The reporter asked one of the lifeguards if the man suffered long.

To which he replied, "No, he was only married for about a week".

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Spotted While on Holiday in India

On holidays at the Games in Delhi India, I saw a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver.

I thought, what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

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Update on Bin Laden - Truth Now Revealed

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.

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The Anniversary Present

An old man promised his wife that he'd take her to see something she wanted to see instead of the usual action-adventure movie for their anniversary, since they rarely went anywhere together. She picked the theatre and the night.

When the show started, he was delighted to find out it was one of those newfangled 3D things. While the movie didn't have any car chases or explosions, he was impressed by how lifelike it all seemed and how everything seemed to move back and forth in front of him. He told his wife that as they were walking back to their car.

She looked at him strangely. "Darling," she said, "we were watching a play. I think it's time to get you new glasses again".

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A Joke from South Africa

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a Baboon lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.

A cocky desk sergeant laughed and asked "Did you give it the last rites"?

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

Thanks go to Terry H for this one :)

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Can You Picture a Slice of Pizza in the Stomach

...waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down.

The pizza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, "What's going on up there"?

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really" responds the pizza? "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

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Old Jokes   177    178    179    180  181  182    183    184    185   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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