Thursday 20th September 2018 - 07:23:46 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Passing a Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle" asked the coach?

"Watch this" said the freshman and then proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run"?

"Of course I can run" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great" enthused the coach! "But can you pass a football"?

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".


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Life is Too Short to


Life is too short
to remove a
USB
safely



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Precautions Before Sex

I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

She said, "Wait! We need to take some precautions, what if I get pregnant"?

Being the male chauvinist person that I am, I quickly replied, "I'm way ahead of you, I gave you a fake number".

And the girl responded...





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

We were both getting very hot and she said, "I only believe in sex after marriage".

I said, "OK, phone me when you have a husband".





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

"Let's go up to the bedroom" she whispered

"No" I whispered back "My wife's up there"





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

I noticed she was rubbing her pussy with liquorice.

Apparently it's the only way she can orgasm.

It takes allsorts I suppose.





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

I said, "This is where the magic all happens, babe".

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now".

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..."





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

She said to me, "How far do you want to go with me"?

I said, "I'll walk you to the fish-shop round the corner, but then I'm going back home".





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

I fell fast asleep straight away...

I think i gave her the wrong drink :(


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A Tragedy Avoided


While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in, I found her dead on the floor.

In a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.

Then I remembered KFC do an all-day breakfast for $5.99. ..


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Facebook is the Second Most Popular Word


Did you know:


Facebook is the second
most popular word that
starts with "F" and ends
with "K".





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Who Said Poetry Was Boring?

These are entries to a washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line:

  1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you has screwed up my life.

  2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

  3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you are not.

  4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

  5. I thought that I could love no other
    -- that is, until I met your brother.

  6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
    empty, and so is your head.

  7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

  8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

  9. My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

  10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

  11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.










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The Irish Petrol Station

A man drives in to a Dublin servo and asks for petrol.

The attendant tells him they don't have any petrol.

"Okay", the driver says, "just top up the oil".

"Nope, no oil either", says the attendant.

Annoyed, the driver asks how it can possibly be that a service station has no petrol and no oil.

"Actually, we're just a front for the IRA", replies the attendant.

"Fine then", says the driver, "just blow up the tires".


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Jaws and the Newly Weds


A real estate salesman and his new blonde wife flew to the Bahamas for their honeymoon.

The groom was in the water snorkeling while his new bride was sunbathing on the beach. Suddenly a large shark attacked and took a huge chunk out of the man's upper body. While his new wife watched in horror the man managed to swim to shore.

Lifeguards tried to save his life but unfortunately he had lost way too much blood.

A news crew was dispatched to the scene. The reporter asked one of the lifeguards if the man suffered long.

To which he replied, "No, he was only married for about a week".


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Spotted While on Holiday in India


On holidays at the Games in Delhi India, I saw a sign that said : English speaking Taxi driver.

I thought, what a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?


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Update on Bin Laden - Truth Now Revealed


Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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