Monday 21st October 2019 - 02:48:07 

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Stopped by the Police Again

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Yes, I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these margaritas which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of beers - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." he said while fumbling around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he then held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the drunk exclaimed, "Why? Don't you believe me?!"


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A Yank, Jap and a Racist Die

Three guys, an American, Japanese and a Racist died...

So during autopsy they cut open the Japanese guy's head and all they seen was high technology, Sony, Toyota, sushi, etc.

They opened the American guys head all they seen was baseball, GM signs, McDonalds, Diet Coke, etc.

When they opened the Racist guys head and looked around, it was totally empty!

They were very confused and started looking around carefully...

They found only one string that went from one side to the other side of his head...

Absolutely positive they were going to get something special...

They cut the string...

...and his ears fell off.


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Party on Friday Night

I am having a party this Friday for people who have difficulty achieving orgasms.

Let me know if you can't come.


Contributor: Phil


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How to ask for a Pay-rise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay.

He asked which three companies they were, so I told him the gas, electric and cable.


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Drink Up - the Beers Are on Me!

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend".

The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy"?

"Why should I be unhappy" replies the guy? "They saved me a fortune... both of them are pregnant"!


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Passing a Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle" asked the coach?

"Watch this" said the freshman and then proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run"?

"Of course I can run" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great" enthused the coach! "But can you pass a football"?

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".


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Life is Too Short to


Life is too short
to remove a
USB
safely



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Precautions Before Sex

I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

She said, "Wait! We need to take some precautions, what if I get pregnant"?

Being the male chauvinist person that I am, I quickly replied, "I'm way ahead of you, I gave you a fake number".

And the girl responded...





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

We were both getting very hot and she said, "I only believe in sex after marriage".

I said, "OK, phone me when you have a husband".





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

"Let's go up to the bedroom" she whispered

"No" I whispered back "My wife's up there"





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

I noticed she was rubbing her pussy with liquorice.

Apparently it's the only way she can orgasm.

It takes allsorts I suppose.





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

I said, "This is where the magic all happens, babe".

She said, "Oh really? I'm getting excited now".

So I said, "Yes. Pick a card..."





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

She said to me, "How far do you want to go with me"?

I said, "I'll walk you to the fish-shop round the corner, but then I'm going back home".





I was fooling around with a girl on her sofa after meeting her in a night club.

I fell fast asleep straight away...

I think i gave her the wrong drink :(


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A Tragedy Avoided


While my wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast, I suddenly heard a loud thud.

Running in, I found her dead on the floor.

In a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do.

Then I remembered KFC do an all-day breakfast for $5.99. ..


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Facebook is the Second Most Popular Word


Did you know:


Facebook is the second
most popular word that
starts with "F" and ends
with "K".





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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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