Monday 20th May 2019 - 21:21:56 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

NO Pictures - Just Jokes
Mobile User Friendly


You Can't Take It with You


A mean old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you".

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that silly old sod", she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement".



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Thought for Today


If you watch an apple store get robbed...

Are you an iWitness?


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


My Dyslexic Mate


I went to see my dyslexic mate today and he was busy covering his penis with shoe polish.

Mate, I said, you're supposed to turn your clock back!!!

Contributor: Malcolm


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Stopped by the Police Again

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Yes, I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these margaritas which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of beers - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." he said while fumbling around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he then held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the drunk exclaimed, "Why? Don't you believe me?!"


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


A Yank, Jap and a Racist Die

Three guys, an American, Japanese and a Racist died...

So during autopsy they cut open the Japanese guy's head and all they seen was high technology, Sony, Toyota, sushi, etc.

They opened the American guys head all they seen was baseball, GM signs, McDonalds, Diet Coke, etc.

When they opened the Racist guys head and looked around, it was totally empty!

They were very confused and started looking around carefully...

They found only one string that went from one side to the other side of his head...

Absolutely positive they were going to get something special...

They cut the string...

...and his ears fell off.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Party on Friday Night

I am having a party this Friday for people who have difficulty achieving orgasms.

Let me know if you can't come.


Contributor: Phil


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


How to ask for a Pay-rise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise if he wanted me to stay.

He asked which three companies they were, so I told him the gas, electric and cable.


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Drink Up - the Beers Are on Me!

A guy rushes into the bar and tells the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend".

The bartender smiles and asks, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy"?

"Why should I be unhappy" replies the guy? "They saved me a fortune... both of them are pregnant"!


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Passing a Football

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

"Can you tackle" asked the coach?

"Watch this" said the freshman and then proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow" said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run"?

"Of course I can run" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great" enthused the coach! "But can you pass a football"?

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir" he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it".


Share with friends?

Funny Pictures


Life is Too Short to


Life is too short
to remove a
USB
safely



Share with friends?

Funny Pictures



Old Jokes   178    179    180    181  182  183    184    185    186   Latest


This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

Fuelled by: CodeIgniter - ver: 3.1.9  Debug: 18.212.83.37 / 817,064Mb / 21:21:56 / 200 / No Errors