Previously On Johns-Jokes
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Pulled over for Going Too Slow
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 25 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly – Twenty-fie miles an hour!” The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 120.”
National Orgasm Day
Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day
All across the nation, many special events will be happening in recognition of this special holiday.
Are you coming?
In a Thousand Years Archeologists Will Believe
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment. ...
My Wife Thinks I'm Stupid and
My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible.
I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.
A Cowboy Buys Condoms
Cowboy says " Give me 3 packets of condoms please".
Cashier says "Do you need a paper bag with that sir?
Cowboy replies "Nah she ain't that ugly"!
My Wife Threatened to Leave
...me yesterday just because I didn't open the car door for her.
I told her, "I just panicked and swam to the surface".
You Can't Take It with You
A mean old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you".
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that silly old sod", she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement".
Thought for Today
If you watch an apple store get robbed...
Are you an iWitness?
My Dyslexic Mate
I went to see my dyslexic mate today and he was busy covering his penis with shoe polish.
Mate, I said, you're supposed to turn your clock back!!!
Contributor: Malcolm
Stopped by the Police Again
Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Yes, I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these margaritas which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive my friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of beers - couldn't be rude, you know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." he said while fumbling around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he then held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the drunk exclaimed, "Why? Don't you believe me?!"