Tuesday 3rd November 2020 - 22:10:34 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Ten Commandments

Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."

Contributor: Terry G

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Iphone Low Battery Warning

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number as " LOW BATTERY " so whenever she calls in his absence, his wife takes the phone & plugs it to the charger!

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European Financing

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there"?

The Italian replied; "No"?

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Deer Hunter and his Blonde Wife

A man decided to take his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information: "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator" he said!

They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his blonde wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his blonde wife she was arguing with another man who was waving his hands in the air.

The man said "OK, fine lady you can have your deer but do you mind if I get my saddle off before you take it away"?

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Pulled over for Going Too Slow

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 25 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly – Twenty-fie miles an hour!” The old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 120.”

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National Orgasm Day

Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day

All across the nation, many special events will be happening in recognition of this special holiday.

Are you coming?

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In a Thousand Years Archeologists Will Believe

In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment. ...

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My Wife Thinks I'm Stupid and

My wife thinks I'm financially naive and gullible.

I bet she changes her tune when she finds out I've won the Nigerian lottery.

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A Cowboy Buys Condoms

Cowboy says " Give me 3 packets of condoms please".

Cashier says "Do you need a paper bag with that sir?

Cowboy replies "Nah she ain't that ugly"!

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My Wife Threatened to Leave

...me yesterday just because I didn't open the car door for her.

I told her, "I just panicked and swam to the surface".

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Old Jokes   179    180    181    182  183  184    185    186    187   Latest

Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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