Wednesday 3rd June 2020 - 20:15:52 

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Why Life Isn't Fair to Men.

When men are born their mother's get all the compliments and the flowers.

When men get married their brides get the presents and the publicity.

When they die their widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2:

The average man's life consists of -

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;

At the end, the mourners also wondering...






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What Did You Do Today?


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total chaos in his house...

...all three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to the wife’s car was thrown open and also the house front door. Once inside it got worse and he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over and the carpet was in a heap against one wall. Television blaring and tuned to the cartoon channel, family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. Dishes in the kitchen were poled high in the sink, breakfast food was splattered on the table, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass was under the table and a small pile of dirt lay piled up by the back door.

He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas and quietly reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what the hell happened here today"?

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today"?

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "Well; today I didn't do it" !!!!!




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Tattoo on My Mate's Back


My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian warrior on his back.

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".

The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban" !!!!!



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Twenty Natural Laws


1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of bio mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

20. Law of the Lost
He who hesitates not only is lost, but is miles from the next exit.



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Silent Treatment After The Honeymoon


A couple returned from thei­r honeymoon not talki­ng to each other. The husband's best friend fi­nally takes hi­m asi­de and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the new husband, "When we fini­shed maki­ng love on the fi­rst ni­ght, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bíll on the pi­llow wi­thout thi­nki­ng."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said hi­s fri­end: "I'm sure your wi­fe wi­ll get over ít soon enough - she can't expect you to have been savi­ng yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and saíd: "I don't know íf I can get over thi­s though. She gave me $20 change!"





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Tommy Cooper Short Jokes


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .


I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . .
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
So I bought her some scales.


Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. . .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs...
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him...



Contributor: Jem


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Ten Commandments


Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."


Contributor: Terry G


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Iphone Low Battery Warning


A man saved his girlfriend's phone number as " LOW BATTERY " so whenever she calls in his absence, his wife takes the phone & plugs it to the charger!



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European Financing


Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there"?

The Italian replied; "No"?


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Deer Hunter and his Blonde Wife


A man decided to take his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information: "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator" he said!

They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his blonde wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his blonde wife she was arguing with another man who was waving his hands in the air.

The man said "OK, fine lady you can have your deer but do you mind if I get my saddle off before you take it away"?


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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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