Friday 24th May 2019 - 19:04:31 

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Mexican Jews



Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know of any. Let's ask our waiter if he knows."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senior. I ask the cook."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senior, cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check again, senior!" He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senior, the head cook Tomas say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you cert ain?" Al asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"SENIOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, " All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."




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Only in Texas


Can you believe this?

The Houston Herald, Houston, Texas

Last thursday night around midnight a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

The following monday morning, the woman was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe...

I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder.

All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse.

I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing i remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips".

I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!

When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times"?

The woman replied under oath, "because, when i pulled the trigger of my pistol the 7th time, it only went click".

The woman was acquitted of all charges and she was back at work, at the cafe, the next day!


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Is There a Santa Clause

A physicist view

Consider the following:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.


On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.



In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.


Contributor: Howard







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Why Life Isn't Fair to Men.

When men are born their mother's get all the compliments and the flowers.

When men get married their brides get the presents and the publicity.

When they die their widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2:

The average man's life consists of -

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;

At the end, the mourners also wondering...






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What Did You Do Today?


One afternoon a man came home from work to find total chaos in his house...

...all three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to the wife’s car was thrown open and also the house front door. Once inside it got worse and he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over and the carpet was in a heap against one wall. Television blaring and tuned to the cartoon channel, family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. Dishes in the kitchen were poled high in the sink, breakfast food was splattered on the table, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass was under the table and a small pile of dirt lay piled up by the back door.

He ran up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas and quietly reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what the hell happened here today"?

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today"?

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "Well; today I didn't do it" !!!!!




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Tattoo on My Mate's Back


My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian warrior on his back.

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".

The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban" !!!!!



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Twenty Natural Laws


1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of bio mechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

20. Law of the Lost
He who hesitates not only is lost, but is miles from the next exit.



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Silent Treatment After The Honeymoon


A couple returned from thei­r honeymoon not talki­ng to each other. The husband's best friend fi­nally takes hi­m asi­de and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the new husband, "When we fini­shed maki­ng love on the fi­rst ni­ght, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bíll on the pi­llow wi­thout thi­nki­ng."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said hi­s fri­end: "I'm sure your wi­fe wi­ll get over ít soon enough - she can't expect you to have been savi­ng yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and saíd: "I don't know íf I can get over thi­s though. She gave me $20 change!"





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Tommy Cooper Short Jokes


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .


I knew a man who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . .
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!


I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.


A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'


My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.


Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.
3.1415927 dead


I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
So I bought her some scales.


Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. . .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs...
The birds love it!


The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.


Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’.
Wife says, ‘Why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’.


I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.


On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'


The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him...



Contributor: Jem


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Ten Commandments


Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!"

"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments."

"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments."

"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."


Contributor: Terry G


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This can save your bacon

¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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