Monday 19th August 2019 - 23:02:40 

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Another Sign of Our Times


A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television.

Good luck trying to live without eight daily shows about cakes.


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Christmas Quickies


Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


Q. How come Santa and Mrs. Claus don't have children?
A. Santa spends all his time with elves and fairies.


Q: How did Mrs. Claus come to marry Santa?
A: She was Magnetically Attracted to his North Pole


What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.
If he can't eat it or mate with it, he will pee on it!


Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee!


Please call me by my new Muslim name.
Seldom Bin Laid


Birds of a feather flock together...
and then they all crap on your car.


Q. Why is giving a BJ a win/lose situation?
A. He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!


I'm not saying she's easy, but her pantyhose has a pet door.


Q: How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
A: The cow sat down!


Q. How do you know you've walked into a gay church service?
A. Only half the congregation are kneeling.


The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better.


I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.



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The Matchmaker


A matchmaker goes to see Mr. Henderson, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Henderson, don't leave it too late," she pleads, "I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Henderson, "I have two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the matchmaker replies.

"I said 'two sisters,'" Mr. Henderson responds: "I didn't say they were mine."


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The Angry Wife


...was on the telephone to her husband and says "Where the hell are you ..."?

Henpecked husband replies "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money at that time and I said 'My dearest it'll be yours one day..."

Wife blushed and with a big smile and says "Yes I remember that my love"!

Husband "I'm in the pub next door with my mates..."






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Message in a Bottle


I once put my name and address in a bottle and threw it into the sea.

Ten years later I got a letter from the Australian Government.

It was a fine for littering their Melbourne Beach.




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Do You Know Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you will understand. "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS" and then you will be ready to take on China!

Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...



The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"



Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...

...YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

And you do now, don't you!



Contributor: Jem





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Last Night in the Pub

So there I was sitting in my local watering hole with my mate and suddenly I noticed two old drunks sitting across the bar from us. So I pointed to my mate and said "That's us in 10 years".

My mate "That's a mirror, you pillock"!




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Mexican Jews



Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know of any. Let's ask our waiter if he knows."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senior. I ask the cook."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senior, cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check again, senior!" He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senior, the head cook Tomas say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you cert ain?" Al asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"SENIOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, " All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."




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Only in Texas


Can you believe this?

The Houston Herald, Houston, Texas

Last thursday night around midnight a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

The following monday morning, the woman was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe...

I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder.

All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse.

I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing i remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips".

I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!

When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times"?

The woman replied under oath, "because, when i pulled the trigger of my pistol the 7th time, it only went click".

The woman was acquitted of all charges and she was back at work, at the cafe, the next day!


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Is There a Santa Clause

A physicist view

Consider the following:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.


On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that 'flying reindeer' (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.



In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.


Contributor: Howard







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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself
¯\_(ツ)_/¯




The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

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Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

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