Monday 28th September 2020 - 18:22:03 

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Twenty Dollars Contempt of Court

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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Here's One for All the Nerds in Our Life

Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.

At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him" she said.

Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people".

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Another Sign of Our Times

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television.

Good luck trying to live without eight daily shows about cakes.

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Christmas Quickies

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Q. How come Santa and Mrs. Claus don't have children?
A. Santa spends all his time with elves and fairies.

Q: How did Mrs. Claus come to marry Santa?
A: She was Magnetically Attracted to his North Pole

What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.
If he can't eat it or mate with it, he will pee on it!

Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee!

Please call me by my new Muslim name.
Seldom Bin Laid

Birds of a feather flock together...
and then they all crap on your car.

Q. Why is giving a BJ a win/lose situation?
A. He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

I'm not saying she's easy, but her pantyhose has a pet door.

Q: How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
A: The cow sat down!

Q. How do you know you've walked into a gay church service?
A. Only half the congregation are kneeling.

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

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The Matchmaker

A matchmaker goes to see Mr. Henderson, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Henderson, don't leave it too late," she pleads, "I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Henderson, "I have two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the matchmaker replies.

"I said 'two sisters,'" Mr. Henderson responds: "I didn't say they were mine."

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The Angry Wife

...was on the telephone to her husband and says "Where the hell are you ..."?

Henpecked husband replies "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money at that time and I said 'My dearest it'll be yours one day..."

Wife blushed and with a big smile and says "Yes I remember that my love"!

Husband "I'm in the pub next door with my mates..."

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Message in a Bottle

I once put my name and address in a bottle and threw it into the sea.

Ten years later I got a letter from the Australian Government.

It was a fine for littering their Melbourne Beach.

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Do You Know Tanjooberrymutts

By the time you read through this you will understand. "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS" and then you will be ready to take on China!

Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...


And you do now, don't you!

Contributor: Jem

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Last Night in the Pub

So there I was sitting in my local watering hole with my mate and suddenly I noticed two old drunks sitting across the bar from us. So I pointed to my mate and said "That's us in 10 years".

My mate "That's a mirror, you pillock"!

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Mexican Jews

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replies, "I don't know of any. Let's ask our waiter if he knows."

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senior. I ask the cook."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senior, cook say no Mexican Jews."

Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check again, senior!" He goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senior, the head cook Tomas say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you cert ain?" Al asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"SENIOR, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter, " All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews."

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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