Tuesday 30th June 2020 - 12:47:13 

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Good News Vs Bad News

The Good News:
I shot my first Christmas turkey yesterday.

The Bad News:
The gunshot scared the heck out of everyone in the Frozen Food section.
I've been banned for life from Whole Foods Markets.

Getting old is lots of fun, but it seems to always comes with a price.....

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Eve's Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem...

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

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Google Adsense

Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts?

Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email.

So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard, then I'm going to be forced to bone Santos our pool boy."

Then Google will include three ads in her message:

  • first for V/agra to offer help for your problematic erectile dysfunction

  • second for Purina dog food to help build healthy bones

  • and to satisfy the most important need - a local pool service.

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Twenty Dollars Contempt of Court

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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Here's One for All the Nerds in Our Life

Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.

At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him" she said.

Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people".

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Another Sign of Our Times

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television.

Good luck trying to live without eight daily shows about cakes.

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Christmas Quickies

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Q. How come Santa and Mrs. Claus don't have children?
A. Santa spends all his time with elves and fairies.

Q: How did Mrs. Claus come to marry Santa?
A: She was Magnetically Attracted to his North Pole

What is the most intelligent animal in the world?
The dog.It will walk up to anything and smell of it.
If he can't eat it or mate with it, he will pee on it!

Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your coffee!

Please call me by my new Muslim name.
Seldom Bin Laid

Birds of a feather flock together...
and then they all crap on your car.

Q. Why is giving a BJ a win/lose situation?
A. He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

I'm not saying she's easy, but her pantyhose has a pet door.

Q: How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
A: The cow sat down!

Q. How do you know you've walked into a gay church service?
A. Only half the congregation are kneeling.

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

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The Matchmaker

A matchmaker goes to see Mr. Henderson, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr. Henderson, don't leave it too late," she pleads, "I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Henderson, "I have two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife," the matchmaker replies.

"I said 'two sisters,'" Mr. Henderson responds: "I didn't say they were mine."

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The Angry Wife

...was on the telephone to her husband and says "Where the hell are you ..."?

Henpecked husband replies "Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money at that time and I said 'My dearest it'll be yours one day..."

Wife blushed and with a big smile and says "Yes I remember that my love"!

Husband "I'm in the pub next door with my mates..."

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Message in a Bottle

I once put my name and address in a bottle and threw it into the sea.

Ten years later I got a letter from the Australian Government.

It was a fine for littering their Melbourne Beach.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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