Wednesday 28th October 2020 - 05:41:28 

Previously On Johns-Jokes

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Definitions Conflict

Jennifer's girlfriend was relating, "Well after over a half hour of pretty heavy making out, I asked him, "Are you ready for some oral sex now'"?

Angela commented, "Oh wow, I bet he jumped at that suggestion"?

Jennifer replied and said "Yeah he did, but he damn nearly fell off the couch when I said, 'Good! ... then you can go home and call me"!

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Two Buddies Fishing

...but they haven’t caught anything all day. Just then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish"?

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish".

Both mates thank him and go start to walk further up the stream.

Twenty minutes later, the first fisherman says to his mate "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty".

Second mate dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some and says "Nope. Still salty".

Thirty minutes later the first mate asks his mate to check again.

Second mate says "Nope, still salty".

An hour later first mate asks to check again.

Second mate says "Nope. Still salty".

First mate says "I don't understand this at all, we have been walking for almost two hours, and the water is still salty"!

Second mate says "I know, I can't understand it either and the bucket is almost empty"!

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Did You See Santa in the Nude?

Strictly for Adults Only:

Scroll down to see Nude Santa

For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no Santa!

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The Number One Rule for a Long and Happy Marriage

People ask me, "Henry, you've been happily married now for 40 years. What's your secret"?

And I say, "You'll have to speak up, I'm as deaf as a post".

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Good News Vs Bad News

The Good News:
I shot my first Christmas turkey yesterday.

The Bad News:
The gunshot scared the heck out of everyone in the Frozen Food section.
I've been banned for life from Whole Foods Markets.

Getting old is lots of fun, but it seems to always comes with a price.....

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Eve's Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem...

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

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Google Adsense

Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts?

Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email.

So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard, then I'm going to be forced to bone Santos our pool boy."

Then Google will include three ads in her message:

  • first for V/agra to offer help for your problematic erectile dysfunction

  • second for Purina dog food to help build healthy bones

  • and to satisfy the most important need - a local pool service.

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Twenty Dollars Contempt of Court

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

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Here's One for All the Nerds in Our Life

Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.

At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him" she said.

Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people".

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Another Sign of Our Times

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television.

Good luck trying to live without eight daily shows about cakes.

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Build your own satellite and have it launched into Space.

AmbaSat-1 is a tiny Space satellite kit that you launch yourself

The idea is to die young as late as possible

Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last that long.

Every now and then I throw in one of those typos to see who's paying attention :-)

Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life and smiling it on to other folk.

Have a great Day and Laugh, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many".

We try to bust a gut with our funny, Yo Mama, Redneck, lawyer, animal, relationship and crap jokes.

You only live once!   So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, seeking validation from strangers.

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